Cancer? What cancer?

Life has been back to normal so quickly, it's a little unnerving.
At times it feels like it was all a bad dream.  A dream that felt a little too real.
We're back to our old routine, C and I, except now I am less than eager to come home and start dinner.  We've been eating out a lot. It's terrible.  I should be watching what I eat, moreso than ever, and here I am stuffing my face with Chinese take-out, pizza and the likes. 

I mustered up enough energy to make fajitas last night.  I marinaded the steak the night before so it wasn't too much work.  Afterwards, I needed to finish C's birthday cake as I will need it ready by tonight. 
My wonderful friends got me a cookbook for Christmas and I haven't gotten but 3 recipes out of this as of yet.  I have to say, Nick Magieri's "The Modern Baker: Time-Saving Techniques for Breads, Tarts, Pies, Cakes and Cookies" recipes do not let you down!  Awesome step by step instructions, all I have is praise for this book!

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It's strange.  People who know about my cancer react as if I'm sickly.  How are you? How are you feeling? How are you doing?  I'm bombarded with these questions.  It's strange because if you look at me, I'm healthy.  Who'd believe me if I ran out into the streets crying "I HAVE CANCER!!"?  Nobody.  Because when I look in the mirror, I don't believe me.  It's all very strange.

Listening to loud, upbeat music has helped distract my thoughts.  Music never did anything for me before, but lately, it's been a very good distraction.  How You Like Me Now has been a very good song for that for me.  I'm sure every survivor has his/her own song, and I think this is the song for me right now.

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I met my sister waiting for the bus this morning.  How are you feeling today? was the first question she asked me.  Coming from her, oh the irony.  That's another post for another time perhaps.  Let's just say she wasn't exactly the most um... understanding? consoling? when I told her my diagnosis.  How was I feeling today? You mean, other than the fact that I have surgery in less than 2 weeks? Just DANDY.  I couldn't be better! Ha!  I wanted to say meaner things.  But I didn't.  I held my tongue.  Ok was the only answer I could give her.  I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I keep telling myself that and I've come to believe it. I feel fine. Other than this tumor on my neck, I don't feel this "cancer".  It's a creepy feeling, knowing what you have inside you could potential kill you. 

A few moments of the day, I *forget* I have cancer.  But once the feeling of despair strikes, it hits hard.  The "what if's" start rushing in and taking over your thoughts.  I panick for a moment.  I think about all the people that care, how they'll cope.  I let these thoughts take control, but only for a moment.  I take a deep breath, exhale all this negativity, and inhale clean, positive thoughts.  I am done for the day.
This has been a constant struggle that just seems to get easier with each passing day.  I am getting used to this.  But soon, I need to get over this.
Only time will tell.

Retail Therapy

I shed most of my shopping habits about 4 years ago, when I started planning for my wedding. C and I were pretty young (24) and we weren't exactly making much. To plan the extravagant wedding C's dad was adamant about... though he wasn't exactly helping out our budget in anyway...

Anyway, so those days of frivolous spending days have long gone and died. This habit died the day I got married.

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Before I had my biopsy, but after my blood test results, I have been wanting to shop. Spend money I don't have. I don't know where this was coming from, this urge. I knew it had something to do with my disease, even though nothing was confirmed.
I guess inside, I felt like I should buy all the things I wanted before something "happened" to me. There's an old saying in korean that means something along the lines of "You change when you know you're about to die". Though I read all I possibly could about thyroid cancer, even though I knew that the success rate was high, I still had the worst dread in me.
So I went out, spent a ridiculous amount of money on a mini shopping spree. I felt no remorse for my wallet or bank account like I normally would, but it didn't make me "happy". Yes, it's nice to have nice things. I was happy about my purchases, but it didn't make me "happy".
I'm not sure what people mean when they say retail therapy. I thought it was supposed to make you feel better, not the same.

I still haven't kicked this habit. I still go out trying to spend more money whenever I get a chance. Hopefully after my surgery, things calm down and I become my old saving self.
As of right now though, I am worried. I still have 2 weeks before surgery which means 2 more weekends to do major damage to my credit card.

*sigh.

The things people do to try to make their lives "normal" again...
I wish I could hurry up and get this tumor out of me.

Biopsy Day

So I met my sister at around 8 as she was nice enough to go to the hospital with me. We hung around until 9 or so and headed to the subway.


We got to the hospital really early, maybe 9:40 am? It was a nice day so it helped my mood. The husband left me messages, as well as my dear friends. Having a great support group at this time really truly helps.


We decided to hang around outside the hospital until it was time to go in just to chat and enjoy the sun before I get my doomsday results...


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11:30 came, I filled out the paperwork, paid my copay, and then was called to meet with the doctor. I first met with his assistant surgeon who asked me a few questions (did I quit smoking? Yes. How did you find out about this nodule? I felt it. Let me feel the nodule. Ok. etc) and he said he'll move me to the biopsy room and more waiting. And more waiting. I think I waited about 45 minutes to finally have the doctor walk in, introduce himself and that I'll have to wait for the pathologist to come in so that after the biopsy she'll check if they have enough cell samples for the results. More waiting. After another waiting session of about 30 minutes (thank goodness my sister came, the waiting wasn't so bad... if I were there alone, it would have been sheer madness!) a very young pathologist came in, said hello and started setting up her work station. The pathologist was extremely friendly with us and was nice enough to tell me that she could give me a preliminary reading of the cells as she has to check under the microscope to see if they had an adequate sample. Shortly after the doctor comes in, tells me what he will be doing, starts his ultrasound machine and gets going.

Now for those of you researching about the pain level of biopsies, rest assured. It.Did.Not.Hurt.

Really. I didn't even get a numbing shot. I mean, maybe it depends on the size, location, etc of the nodule. Lucky for me, my nodule was very palpable (feelable) in front of my neck. Unlucky for me, my nodule was calcified (hard) and completely cellular (no fluid) which I read would be cause of much pain during biopsy. It wasn't the best sensation, but as for the pain factor, it was completely doable. I did have some soreness in the neck for the rest of the evening and most of the next morning, but nothing too severe to go to work, do everyday chores, etc.


My doctor took 2 samples and the second one had enough samples to make a diagnosis. Despite what the pathologist said (that she'll give me a heads up), she whispered something to the doctor and left the room. Uh oh...


The doctor and I briefly discussed what my options would be, should it be something I need to take out and just chatted for a very brief moment and left the room. I should receive a report by Friday (4/23), latest by Monday (4/26). Sure, no problem!


My sister and I left the office and seated ourselves in the hallway. I needed to update my husband and my sisters of how it went, etc. In mid conversation with my sister on the phone, the pathologist passes us by with a quick "It's gonna have to come out." I quickly nod my head and I immediately know, I need a TT (total thyroidectomy) which means I have cancer. Ok.

After all the calls and waiting for the elevator, the pathologist shows up again, needing to go downstairs as well. She was gracious enough to hint me that "Papillary" cancer is the most common form, "Papillary"cancer is very treatable, "Papillary" "Papillary" "Papillary".

I got her hint and accepted the fact that I have Papillary cancer. Now I just need a piece of paper with this in writing.


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I know I am supposed to wait for the results to get the ball rolling, scheduling doctors appointments, surgery, etc. I am not normal people. I need action quick! Thursday morning, 4/22 I got to work early, called the doctors office and scheduled my surgery anyway. Pathologist said it'll have to come out, right?


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I finally got a call from the doctors nurse telling me my results. "Suspicious of Papillary Carcinoma". Suspicious. Suspicious?

Nurse said in her experiences, this means it is cancer, why the pathologist wrote "Suspicious" is unknown.

So that's it. I have cancer. I will have surgery and I will have HAD cancer. I don't plan on this consuming me. I don't plan on revolving my life around it. It will be out of my life and I plan on going and doing all the things I planned to do without any interruption.


I read a lot of personal stories during my research and I realize that mental thinking is very very important. Most people complain and whine a lot about their conditions and still couldn't make peace with their new lives post surgery over 10+ years ago. I have been doing all this in under 1 month and I have made peace. Sure I cry sometimes. I'm scared. I'm human. I'm reminded how human I am, and that I can die in an instant. But I don't dwell.

Since this chaotic month has happened, I have cried 3 times because of my cancer, but I don't plan on crying much more. It's not worth it. I have it. I need to get rid of it. I need to get used to my new life without a thyroid. You have to keep in mind your blessings.


Not once have I thought WHY ME? Not once was I angry about my situation. You have to accept it. Having all this negative thoughts would bring you down and stay down. From here, all you need to concentrate on is what to do next? What to do next? Have a plan of action.


Anyway, I plan on using this blog as an outlet as already I have had enough material I would like to vent/rant/discuss on this website that I have encountered due to this disease.

Life Throws You Lemons...

I've decided to change this blog into a different blog all together, not that I've had any readers prior to this, but since then, I've gone through major changes.

I've officially been diagnosed with Papillary Thyroid Cancer today. Just 1 hour ago.

So I would like to dedicate this blog to my experience with this disease and all issues I feel/deal with due to this and hopefully provide insight to those in search of information that I have been searching for, as I know I had many questions and concerns...

So lets start at the beginning, shall we?

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It was a random Tuesday, 3/16 to be exact. I was at work, taking a break and went to get some water. At the cooler, I looked in the mirror and was rubbing my neck when I came across a bump right smack in the center front. I've had several swollen lymph nodes in my day, so I just brushed it off as another swelling. It was weird, harder than usual, smaller, but eh, it's all the same thing, right?

Few days pass, and it's still there. It's not getting any bigger, but it's not getting smaller either. I start researching but soon learn that I don't have lymph nodes in the front lower center of my neck. That's my thyroid. Uh oh. My sister had both Hypo and Hyperthyroidism and it ain't pretty. I research and research and learn that goiters and nodules are common. Yay! It means it isn't unusual and probably nothing to concern myself. Hooray!

But more days pass and still this goiter/nodule isn't going away. By now I am worried. I call my primary care physician and ask her for a prescription for an ultrasound. Because I smoke, she also said then to get a chest xray. Ok fine. I've been pushing it but ok. Whatever.

I made an appointment and finally got in 4/3 at 11:30. Ok.

My ultrasound tech was the crankiest, bitchiest woman ever and I feel for anyone who had her do the ultrasound.
After the ultrasound was done, I asked what was going on (even though I know she can't tell me, I'm worried) and she snaps back "Call your doctor."
Anyway, at this point, I knew something was up.

Come Monday, 4/5, I get a call from my PCP saying she got my ultrasound results and I need to come in and do a blood test right away. I freaked. I panicked. I ran out of my office crying frantically and went to get my blood test. At the doctors office, my PCP tried to calm me but I knew. I did enough research in the last few weeks enough to know that what I had was serious.

These websites say how thyroid cancer is rare, etc etc but it was all BS to me. I had it. It wasn't rare. People kept telling me not to jump into conclusions.

For those that know me, I don't ever think something is wrong with me. But this time, I just knew. My body told me something isn't right. And good thing I listened. My PCP gave me a few Endocrinologist numbers and told me to make an appointment.

I got my blood test results a few days later, 4/8 I think. My hormone levels were normal meaning it rules out Hypo and Hyperthyroidism. Shit! No traces of cancer cells but antibody count was high. My doctor said this could mean I could have cancer but it won't show because my antibody count was high. I knew I was in for it.

I've done plenty of research by now and called MANY doctors but none would do a biopsy right away. "We have to have a consult first to see if you really NEED a biopsy". Really? Really need one? Because I just want to get stabbed in the neck just for fun? Because the nodule on my thyroid is just going to disappear on its own?

I finally got in touch with a surgeon who specializes in thyroid cancers who was willing to do a biopsy the day I came in for an appointment. SOLD! So on 4/21 at 11:30, I finally get an answer.

It's Christmas Eve and it's almost 10:30 p.m.

The presents have been opened (between the hubs and I), the wine drunk, and I think it's high time to hit the sack. Yes, I guess I'm getting old.

I am typing away on my brand spankin new Macbook Pro and am just positively gleaming.

It's quite a nice surprise, C never fails to try to surprise me.

Dinner was eaten, pound cake for C's office party has been made, the pecan pie has cooled. Now one more thing and I would be done. But it won't be tonight. It'll have to wait until morning as I need to get up early to get C off to work.

Met a friend last night for dinner. Haven't seen this chica in a few months.

I don't have many friends. Or close friends, shall I say? But these very few close friends that I have, when we meet up, even after months, or years, it's as if time has stopped since the last time we met and we are continuing our conversation from the last meet. Except this time, we have much to talk about, much to catch up on.

Ah, I must be getting soft. It is a sign that we are well into the holidays. Oh mush.

Happy holidays to those to pass. Though I'm sure no one really reads this blog, for my own memories sake, Merry Christmas eve, and a better Christmas day.

Hope you a good one.

a wife

C started his new job last Friday and worked through the weekend.
It was my first weekend alone since, well, many years ago.
It wasn't so bad, I had chores to do, things that had to be done.

Last night, C came home and told me he'll have to work 7 days a week indefinitely.
7 DAYS A WEEK.
It was ok, as long as he wasn't too tired and I figured, if he's ok, I'm ok.

But I broke down. I crashed. I started sobbing in the middle of dinner and couldn't see the chicken pieces in front of me.
I haven't been alone in so long that time just doesn't go for me. We've spent every weekend together (at least one full day) for almost a decade. I couldn't bear to change that now.
I'm happy, mind you. He's making more money, he seems happier, and so I'm happy. But to bear the thought of spending every weekend alone? It was lonely even just to think.
Seriously, I am happy. I've been stressed about paying bills and trying to save with my salary alone for a while, so I'm very relieved and happy that C has a stable job now.
But it's just such a fast transition that it isn't giving me time to adjust. And with having moved in the last few months, I haven't exactly "completely" adjusted to our new life in our new home.
It's better that I'm a lot closer to my family now, distance wise, but it still just stinks that C and I won't have much time together. I'm ok.

Transition. It just gets so much harder as you get older. You establish a certain routine, a show if you will, day in and day out. You get comfortable. And to change all that?
C and I both have had many changes in our lives in the past year. For goodness sake, we moved out of and back into the state in less than 3 years. He's quit his job, started a new job, lost that job and started his own, closed that, and started a new job all in just months over a year. It's been a crazy never ending rollercoaster and I thought having moved back, we'll find a new routing. Start fresh. I should be used to this by now, but I'm stubborn. I still like what I like, know what I know.

C, I'm happy and very proud of you. I may not be the most supportive and understanding wife, but I am extremely proud and love that you want to take care of me. I just don't want you to burn out. New move, new life. It's the start of a new future for us, a better one that we planned the first time around. We're going to make this work, no matter how hard.
I hope you know that.

a wife

I used to fight with C a lot about calls.
How I would always be the one who calls, because I think about him. And how he never calls me. I got over that. Partly.

What irritates me is that he never picks up his calls.
A lot of times he tells me he never got my calls. Which is why I make it a point to call at least 3 times because the chances of not getting all 3? Pretty slim.
But there are days even those 3, or 5, or 10 calls just never go through. Hm.
His cell is always left on vibrate and his cell has one of the worst, weakest vibrate mode.
And on the LUCKY days it's on a ringtone, it doesn't help that he has the hearing of an 80 year old man sometimes.
If I text him, I'll be lucky to get a text back in the next 10 minutes.

It's so frustrating. Why do I even bother? I call him when I get to work. I call during lunch. I call when I get off work. I call when I get home. He used to do it too. But he forgets quite often. FORGETS. How do you forget to do something that you do EVERY DAY? I try to keep telling myself that it's not because it's me. He's just a forgetful person. But sometimes, enough is enough. Why do I even bother?

My sister always gets a call from her husband when he leaves work. Man, sometimes I just want to punch C in the face and say SEE? OTHER GUYS DO IT TOO DAMMIT.

When I see people get calls during lunch breaks from their spouse, I used to want that. I won't lie, sometimes I still want that. But I made peace with myself. C just isn't that kind of guy. I justify for myself. I don't really need that. It's a hassle anyway. But I call or make a point to text C everyday. To make sure he takes the time out to eat and take care of himself.
Maybe it is me. If I didn't do it, I wouldn't want it.

Back to the point. I'm not asking so much for him to even call me. All I ask is that he picks up his phone when I call. On his day off. At home. I don't expect that when he works. I just expect that when C is home. I guess that is just too damn much to ask for.

He used to be ok. He used to call just to see how I was doing, and pick up when I called. I guess marriage does change things. Maybe I should change. I don't have to tell him I got to work, or that I got off work. Maybe I should stop calling.

Speaking of which, I don't know why I have a phone. I never use it. I'm just wasting money each month for minutes I never use. Maybe I should get rid of it. Save money and C the trouble of actually remembering to call me to tell me he's ok.

Man, I am having a pretty shitty day. This week couldn't be any slower.