a woman

It's easy to lose yourself, especially when you are with someone else.
Especially in serious relationships.

I did.

Seven years ago, I forgot the meaning of what it means to be me.
I lost myself.

Women get so consumed in the great thoughts of being an "us", a "we".
But our biggest mistake is that we no longer know what it means to be a "me", and "I".
It's great to be an "us", it's great to know there is someone there by your side. But it's most important to always remember that there is a "me" there still.

I made that big mistake. I completely lost the sense of being me, and now I can't get me back. I don't know how to get me back. I don't remember what it meant to be me from the beginning.
I was a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student. But I never identified myself as just plain me. I always referred to myself in my situation. A friend, a girlfriend, never just me.

I waited around for over seven hours for my other "us" to talk about our problems. And the "us" never came. I sat blindly in tears waiting for some closure, some sense that we're still as good of an "us" that I thought we were. But those hours were in vain. By hour 4, I already realized that this wasn't going to happen. But the "what if" kept me going. Kept me waiting in anticipation while I practiced all the things I would say in my head.

At hour 1, a pat on the shoulder. An empty gesture. I was mad. No, I was furious. I don't know what I did wrong. What I did that caused all this in the first place. I didn't need a pat on my shoulder. What I needed was an apology. The apology that I freely give whenever I did something wrong. The apology that I give, pushing aside my pride because of the bond I thought we shared. It was my fault for expecting it. For waiting for it. A pat on my shoulder wasn't going to mend my heart back together. Especially when that pat was on the way from the bathroom, because I was in the way.

I pushed the hand away, sat in the corner of the bedroom, and the tears kept flowing. They didn't stop. I dug through my things in hopes to distract myself. My old date books, the birthday and Christmas cards I received, my old journal. And the journal didn't help me. It reminded me of all the times I let myself go to fight to become a "we" and not to remain "me". All those immature entries about how I would like to start a new future, to be a "we" for the rest of my life. And I realized that I had lost my sense of me too long ago.

I sat for another 2 hours, trying to figure out where I went wrong. Where my life took a wrong turn, and left me here in this corner, this day, wishing I remained a "me" for the rest of my life. Do other people go through this? How do other people deal with these issues? Who can I talk to, to distract myself from all this? And I realized I had no one else.

In my endless search to become an "us", I shed everything and everyone to get here. I left my friends, my family members, all that I knew in the dust to get where I am today. And where am I now? Left with no one to talk to, no one to listen to me. I am all alone.

I post this in hopes that any woman who reads this, who are in relationships, who wish to be in relationships, in any situation. Please, don't lose yourself. It's great to have someone. Really. Even when you regret any decisions you have made, even when you think this isn't going to last, or this is not what you wanted. Or when you think everything is swell and nothing is ever going to change. Love the situation you are in. Love the person you are with. Love just being an "us". Just don't forget about the most important person in your life. You.