a wife

C started his new job last Friday and worked through the weekend.
It was my first weekend alone since, well, many years ago.
It wasn't so bad, I had chores to do, things that had to be done.

Last night, C came home and told me he'll have to work 7 days a week indefinitely.
7 DAYS A WEEK.
It was ok, as long as he wasn't too tired and I figured, if he's ok, I'm ok.

But I broke down. I crashed. I started sobbing in the middle of dinner and couldn't see the chicken pieces in front of me.
I haven't been alone in so long that time just doesn't go for me. We've spent every weekend together (at least one full day) for almost a decade. I couldn't bear to change that now.
I'm happy, mind you. He's making more money, he seems happier, and so I'm happy. But to bear the thought of spending every weekend alone? It was lonely even just to think.
Seriously, I am happy. I've been stressed about paying bills and trying to save with my salary alone for a while, so I'm very relieved and happy that C has a stable job now.
But it's just such a fast transition that it isn't giving me time to adjust. And with having moved in the last few months, I haven't exactly "completely" adjusted to our new life in our new home.
It's better that I'm a lot closer to my family now, distance wise, but it still just stinks that C and I won't have much time together. I'm ok.

Transition. It just gets so much harder as you get older. You establish a certain routine, a show if you will, day in and day out. You get comfortable. And to change all that?
C and I both have had many changes in our lives in the past year. For goodness sake, we moved out of and back into the state in less than 3 years. He's quit his job, started a new job, lost that job and started his own, closed that, and started a new job all in just months over a year. It's been a crazy never ending rollercoaster and I thought having moved back, we'll find a new routing. Start fresh. I should be used to this by now, but I'm stubborn. I still like what I like, know what I know.

C, I'm happy and very proud of you. I may not be the most supportive and understanding wife, but I am extremely proud and love that you want to take care of me. I just don't want you to burn out. New move, new life. It's the start of a new future for us, a better one that we planned the first time around. We're going to make this work, no matter how hard.
I hope you know that.