a wife

I used to fight with C a lot about calls.
How I would always be the one who calls, because I think about him. And how he never calls me. I got over that. Partly.

What irritates me is that he never picks up his calls.
A lot of times he tells me he never got my calls. Which is why I make it a point to call at least 3 times because the chances of not getting all 3? Pretty slim.
But there are days even those 3, or 5, or 10 calls just never go through. Hm.
His cell is always left on vibrate and his cell has one of the worst, weakest vibrate mode.
And on the LUCKY days it's on a ringtone, it doesn't help that he has the hearing of an 80 year old man sometimes.
If I text him, I'll be lucky to get a text back in the next 10 minutes.

It's so frustrating. Why do I even bother? I call him when I get to work. I call during lunch. I call when I get off work. I call when I get home. He used to do it too. But he forgets quite often. FORGETS. How do you forget to do something that you do EVERY DAY? I try to keep telling myself that it's not because it's me. He's just a forgetful person. But sometimes, enough is enough. Why do I even bother?

My sister always gets a call from her husband when he leaves work. Man, sometimes I just want to punch C in the face and say SEE? OTHER GUYS DO IT TOO DAMMIT.

When I see people get calls during lunch breaks from their spouse, I used to want that. I won't lie, sometimes I still want that. But I made peace with myself. C just isn't that kind of guy. I justify for myself. I don't really need that. It's a hassle anyway. But I call or make a point to text C everyday. To make sure he takes the time out to eat and take care of himself.
Maybe it is me. If I didn't do it, I wouldn't want it.

Back to the point. I'm not asking so much for him to even call me. All I ask is that he picks up his phone when I call. On his day off. At home. I don't expect that when he works. I just expect that when C is home. I guess that is just too damn much to ask for.

He used to be ok. He used to call just to see how I was doing, and pick up when I called. I guess marriage does change things. Maybe I should change. I don't have to tell him I got to work, or that I got off work. Maybe I should stop calling.

Speaking of which, I don't know why I have a phone. I never use it. I'm just wasting money each month for minutes I never use. Maybe I should get rid of it. Save money and C the trouble of actually remembering to call me to tell me he's ok.

Man, I am having a pretty shitty day. This week couldn't be any slower.

a wife

C had a job interview yesterday.
His first interview in over 5 years. I was sad that I couldn't watch him get ready in the morning, snazzing it up in his suit.

I hope he gets this job. We both need this, I think.
But the scary part is, he won't be home most of the time. At least that is my fear right now. You see, he will be required to work at night, and graveyard shifts. You do what you have to, right?

It's going to be very hard adjustment. Since we dated, C and I have never been apart. We've never went one day without seeing each other, minus the 1 time I went away with my family for over a week. After we got married, we've always eaten dinner together, we've always slept together at the same time, we've always had similar schedules.
And now all that can change.

C.H.A.N.G.E.

While I like the possiblity of change, and all things that change brings, I am already feeling lonely. I'll have to eat by myself, sleep by myself, watch TV by myself...
Growing up in a large family, I never really had a chance to eat by myself. I haven't slept alone since the day we got married. TV, well, that's not really that bad.

I will miss you C. I know it's still indefinite what'll happen with this change, but I already miss you. On the bright side, I hope this will make both of us appreciate each other more, since we won't have as much time together... Only time will tell.
Change.

a wife

Happy Merry Anniversary, baby!

Thank you for always being by my side...
No matter how terrible a monster I could be.

I love you always.

a wife

For the first 1 1/2 years of marriage, I never used the kitchen. Sure we needed to eat. That's what C was there for.

Growing up, I had minimal interest in the kitchen. When I did have a little spark, my mom never had the time to teach me. She had her reasons. Good ones I might add. You see, in her mind, once I grew up and was on my own, it would mandatory that I would have to cook for the rest of my life. So why start already? I respect that.

So for over a year, I came home to a ready dinner. It worked out. I came home later than C did anyway, so it just made sense. Until May came around and changed my kitchen-free life for good.

For a long Memorial Day weekend, C and I decided to visit my sister about 4~5 hours away. Well actually, more like 6~7 hours from where we were at the time. It was a nice relaxing weekend, nice to get away sometimes. My sister and her husband have demanding careers. They both worked long, late hours. But during that weekend, I realized that my sister, who works over 60+ hours a week, comes home and tries to have dinner on the table every evening. Sure, I was tired from work. And sure, my commute was ridiculous at about 4 hours a day. But she somehow managed to do it. I became determined. If she can do it, I can do it. So I made a promise to myself that day. I will try to cook dinner at least once/twice a week.

It was nervewracking. I have never attempted more than making instant ramen noodles for myself. So to cook a meal that C and I could both eat, and not kill C in the process was a challenge.

Today, I am proud to say I am a decent cook. I could whip up dinner with ingredients that I have on hand without panicking and constant turning to the internet for help. While most of my interest lies in baking pastries and sweets, my success in the kitchen as a regular cook does me pride.

To see C's reaction when he comes home ready to a fully prepared dinner, it's worth all the trouble. His *sniff sniff* "Mmm, what smells so good?" is enough to make me beam with pride.

Oh, the things you do to make your spouses happy.

a wife

The alarm goes off at 7:10 a.m. Just ten more minutes.
My last and final alarm sets off again at 7:20 a.m. I must get up.
I head for the bathroom, perform my usual get ready rituals and I'm back in the bedroom at 7:38 a.m. C is still asleep.

I creep towards the closet, grab whatever is on top, put it on and head to the living room.
I turn the T.V. on, hope to make the weather section on the news. At 7:55 a.m. I give C a kiss, and head out the door.

I arrive at work at approximately 8:45 a.m. and my day starts with many emails to get to.
But not until my morning coffee. My work computer is acting up. It seems to take a full five minutes to start up.

The day feels endless. It's only Tuesday.

At 5 p.m. sharp, I will be leaving work to get on my 5:10 p.m. bus.
I will be reach my apartment at approximately 5:45 p.m.
I will check the mail, get in the elevator, and get off my floor. I will put my keys in the lock to open the door but inside, C will have already reached the door and open it before I finish unlocking the top lock.

This will only be for (yesterday and) today since C is home. Tomorrow, I will be coming home to an empty space. But today, he will open the door for me, tell me he was so lonely, that time seems to have stopped, and that he's glad I'm home.
I am glad too.

I will change into something more comfortable. My usual salmon colored shirt that is washed ten too many times, it looks like it's ready to fall to pieces, my bright neon green shorts that just doesn't sit right at the hip.

I slip into the kitchen and start dinner. It'll be spicy fish stew. I remembered to move the fish from the freezer to the refrigerator last night. Good.
If I have some time before dinner, I will get to do the laundry.
If I'm extra lucky, C would have already done the laundry as I have asked him to do.
We'll have to see.

After dinner, we will watch some T.V., eat some grapes, get ready for bed.

This will be the end of my day.