C started his new job last Friday and worked through the weekend.
It was my first weekend alone since, well, many years ago.
It wasn't so bad, I had chores to do, things that had to be done.
Last night, C came home and told me he'll have to work 7 days a week indefinitely.
7 DAYS A WEEK.
It was ok, as long as he wasn't too tired and I figured, if he's ok, I'm ok.
But I broke down. I crashed. I started sobbing in the middle of dinner and couldn't see the chicken pieces in front of me.
I haven't been alone in so long that time just doesn't go for me. We've spent every weekend together (at least one full day) for almost a decade. I couldn't bear to change that now.
I'm happy, mind you. He's making more money, he seems happier, and so I'm happy. But to bear the thought of spending every weekend alone? It was lonely even just to think.
Seriously, I am happy. I've been stressed about paying bills and trying to save with my salary alone for a while, so I'm very relieved and happy that C has a stable job now.
But it's just such a fast transition that it isn't giving me time to adjust. And with having moved in the last few months, I haven't exactly "completely" adjusted to our new life in our new home.
It's better that I'm a lot closer to my family now, distance wise, but it still just stinks that C and I won't have much time together. I'm ok.
Transition. It just gets so much harder as you get older. You establish a certain routine, a show if you will, day in and day out. You get comfortable. And to change all that?
C and I both have had many changes in our lives in the past year. For goodness sake, we moved out of and back into the state in less than 3 years. He's quit his job, started a new job, lost that job and started his own, closed that, and started a new job all in just months over a year. It's been a crazy never ending rollercoaster and I thought having moved back, we'll find a new routing. Start fresh. I should be used to this by now, but I'm stubborn. I still like what I like, know what I know.
C, I'm happy and very proud of you. I may not be the most supportive and understanding wife, but I am extremely proud and love that you want to take care of me. I just don't want you to burn out. New move, new life. It's the start of a new future for us, a better one that we planned the first time around. We're going to make this work, no matter how hard.
I hope you know that.
11.10.2009
11.05.2009
a wife
I used to fight with C a lot about calls.
How I would always be the one who calls, because I think about him. And how he never calls me. I got over that. Partly.
What irritates me is that he never picks up his calls.
A lot of times he tells me he never got my calls. Which is why I make it a point to call at least 3 times because the chances of not getting all 3? Pretty slim.
But there are days even those 3, or 5, or 10 calls just never go through. Hm.
His cell is always left on vibrate and his cell has one of the worst, weakest vibrate mode.
And on the LUCKY days it's on a ringtone, it doesn't help that he has the hearing of an 80 year old man sometimes.
If I text him, I'll be lucky to get a text back in the next 10 minutes.
It's so frustrating. Why do I even bother? I call him when I get to work. I call during lunch. I call when I get off work. I call when I get home. He used to do it too. But he forgets quite often. FORGETS. How do you forget to do something that you do EVERY DAY? I try to keep telling myself that it's not because it's me. He's just a forgetful person. But sometimes, enough is enough. Why do I even bother?
My sister always gets a call from her husband when he leaves work. Man, sometimes I just want to punch C in the face and say SEE? OTHER GUYS DO IT TOO DAMMIT.
When I see people get calls during lunch breaks from their spouse, I used to want that. I won't lie, sometimes I still want that. But I made peace with myself. C just isn't that kind of guy. I justify for myself. I don't really need that. It's a hassle anyway. But I call or make a point to text C everyday. To make sure he takes the time out to eat and take care of himself.
Maybe it is me. If I didn't do it, I wouldn't want it.
Back to the point. I'm not asking so much for him to even call me. All I ask is that he picks up his phone when I call. On his day off. At home. I don't expect that when he works. I just expect that when C is home. I guess that is just too damn much to ask for.
He used to be ok. He used to call just to see how I was doing, and pick up when I called. I guess marriage does change things. Maybe I should change. I don't have to tell him I got to work, or that I got off work. Maybe I should stop calling.
Speaking of which, I don't know why I have a phone. I never use it. I'm just wasting money each month for minutes I never use. Maybe I should get rid of it. Save money and C the trouble of actually remembering to call me to tell me he's ok.
Man, I am having a pretty shitty day. This week couldn't be any slower.
How I would always be the one who calls, because I think about him. And how he never calls me. I got over that. Partly.
What irritates me is that he never picks up his calls.
A lot of times he tells me he never got my calls. Which is why I make it a point to call at least 3 times because the chances of not getting all 3? Pretty slim.
But there are days even those 3, or 5, or 10 calls just never go through. Hm.
His cell is always left on vibrate and his cell has one of the worst, weakest vibrate mode.
And on the LUCKY days it's on a ringtone, it doesn't help that he has the hearing of an 80 year old man sometimes.
If I text him, I'll be lucky to get a text back in the next 10 minutes.
It's so frustrating. Why do I even bother? I call him when I get to work. I call during lunch. I call when I get off work. I call when I get home. He used to do it too. But he forgets quite often. FORGETS. How do you forget to do something that you do EVERY DAY? I try to keep telling myself that it's not because it's me. He's just a forgetful person. But sometimes, enough is enough. Why do I even bother?
My sister always gets a call from her husband when he leaves work. Man, sometimes I just want to punch C in the face and say SEE? OTHER GUYS DO IT TOO DAMMIT.
When I see people get calls during lunch breaks from their spouse, I used to want that. I won't lie, sometimes I still want that. But I made peace with myself. C just isn't that kind of guy. I justify for myself. I don't really need that. It's a hassle anyway. But I call or make a point to text C everyday. To make sure he takes the time out to eat and take care of himself.
Maybe it is me. If I didn't do it, I wouldn't want it.
Back to the point. I'm not asking so much for him to even call me. All I ask is that he picks up his phone when I call. On his day off. At home. I don't expect that when he works. I just expect that when C is home. I guess that is just too damn much to ask for.
He used to be ok. He used to call just to see how I was doing, and pick up when I called. I guess marriage does change things. Maybe I should change. I don't have to tell him I got to work, or that I got off work. Maybe I should stop calling.
Speaking of which, I don't know why I have a phone. I never use it. I'm just wasting money each month for minutes I never use. Maybe I should get rid of it. Save money and C the trouble of actually remembering to call me to tell me he's ok.
Man, I am having a pretty shitty day. This week couldn't be any slower.
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