Cancer? What cancer?

Life has been back to normal so quickly, it's a little unnerving.
At times it feels like it was all a bad dream.  A dream that felt a little too real.
We're back to our old routine, C and I, except now I am less than eager to come home and start dinner.  We've been eating out a lot. It's terrible.  I should be watching what I eat, moreso than ever, and here I am stuffing my face with Chinese take-out, pizza and the likes. 

I mustered up enough energy to make fajitas last night.  I marinaded the steak the night before so it wasn't too much work.  Afterwards, I needed to finish C's birthday cake as I will need it ready by tonight. 
My wonderful friends got me a cookbook for Christmas and I haven't gotten but 3 recipes out of this as of yet.  I have to say, Nick Magieri's "The Modern Baker: Time-Saving Techniques for Breads, Tarts, Pies, Cakes and Cookies" recipes do not let you down!  Awesome step by step instructions, all I have is praise for this book!

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It's strange.  People who know about my cancer react as if I'm sickly.  How are you? How are you feeling? How are you doing?  I'm bombarded with these questions.  It's strange because if you look at me, I'm healthy.  Who'd believe me if I ran out into the streets crying "I HAVE CANCER!!"?  Nobody.  Because when I look in the mirror, I don't believe me.  It's all very strange.

Listening to loud, upbeat music has helped distract my thoughts.  Music never did anything for me before, but lately, it's been a very good distraction.  How You Like Me Now has been a very good song for that for me.  I'm sure every survivor has his/her own song, and I think this is the song for me right now.

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I met my sister waiting for the bus this morning.  How are you feeling today? was the first question she asked me.  Coming from her, oh the irony.  That's another post for another time perhaps.  Let's just say she wasn't exactly the most um... understanding? consoling? when I told her my diagnosis.  How was I feeling today? You mean, other than the fact that I have surgery in less than 2 weeks? Just DANDY.  I couldn't be better! Ha!  I wanted to say meaner things.  But I didn't.  I held my tongue.  Ok was the only answer I could give her.  I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I keep telling myself that and I've come to believe it. I feel fine. Other than this tumor on my neck, I don't feel this "cancer".  It's a creepy feeling, knowing what you have inside you could potential kill you. 

A few moments of the day, I *forget* I have cancer.  But once the feeling of despair strikes, it hits hard.  The "what if's" start rushing in and taking over your thoughts.  I panick for a moment.  I think about all the people that care, how they'll cope.  I let these thoughts take control, but only for a moment.  I take a deep breath, exhale all this negativity, and inhale clean, positive thoughts.  I am done for the day.
This has been a constant struggle that just seems to get easier with each passing day.  I am getting used to this.  But soon, I need to get over this.
Only time will tell.