An Episode

After I received my diagnosis, unlike other people, I have yet to have a "Why Me?" moment.  I haven't felt anger, I haven't felt sorry for myself, I haven't felt anything but something similar to just being sad.  

Friday night, I broke down and had a "Why NOW?" moment.

If you recall, I've been baking a cake for C's birthday and I finished it after I came home from work Friday evening.

We decided to go out to dinner and afterwards eat cake and relax at home.

Coming back from dinner, we got lost.  We lost our tempers, got upset, angry, annoyed, the works.  We're usually ok in these situations, but this time it wasn't pretty.

Finally having found our way back home, we decided to stop and do some grocery shopping.

It just wasn't a good night.  Everything we did, everything we said, we kept clashing.

By the time we were home, C said to me, "This is why I didn't want to do anything for my birthday."

I crashed.  I've been working so hard to make it a special day for him.  Planning out what to do.  I was determined to not let this stupid disease spoil an otherwise happy day.  But as soon as he said those words, I hardened.

I've been doing all that I could, in my power, to continue and do things as it used to be, despite how hard it was for me inside.

I stopped having this urge to cook, I stopped wanting to do a lot of things. But because it was his birthday, because it was C...

I had a moment of "WHY NOW?"  Really, why now?  I had all that time nothing eventful was happening, it could've happened then and it would have been ok and over.  C's birthday, our 8 year dating anniversary coming up, my school starting soon, it was just too much.  I crashed.  

Timing was never right in my life.  I don't think I've ever had something happen to me that I recall happened JUST in the right time.  So what's the difference now?

*

I would like you to know why I am writing this post. 

Since this disease happened to me, I have tried, and remained, strong.

I seem and act as if nothing is wrong, and I learned to believe it.

I joined a support group who've been nothing short of just great people who understood me and I try to make it a point that I am stronger than this disease, that this is nothing.  It's just a small setback in my life that'll go away.  

But I would like to mention that it is normal to cry.  It is normal to complain.  It is normal to think all the things that pop into your head.

What I would like to emphasis though, is that while all this is normal, don't let it take over your life.

It is scary, this disease, or any disease.  But crying day and night, dwelling on it won't make it go away.  

Positive thinking.  Happy thoughts.  Remember that this isn't the end, it's just the beginning.  We have to keep a straight, clear head and concentrate, dedicate all our energy into what we have to do to get better.  Let's not focus on the bad.  

Cry.  Bitch, Vent.  And then let it go.  Let's move on.

We have each other to comfort each other.  Always remember that you are not alone.

We are fighters. We are WARRIORS!