It's Christmas Eve and it's almost 10:30 p.m.

The presents have been opened (between the hubs and I), the wine drunk, and I think it's high time to hit the sack. Yes, I guess I'm getting old.

I am typing away on my brand spankin new Macbook Pro and am just positively gleaming.

It's quite a nice surprise, C never fails to try to surprise me.

Dinner was eaten, pound cake for C's office party has been made, the pecan pie has cooled. Now one more thing and I would be done. But it won't be tonight. It'll have to wait until morning as I need to get up early to get C off to work.

Met a friend last night for dinner. Haven't seen this chica in a few months.

I don't have many friends. Or close friends, shall I say? But these very few close friends that I have, when we meet up, even after months, or years, it's as if time has stopped since the last time we met and we are continuing our conversation from the last meet. Except this time, we have much to talk about, much to catch up on.

Ah, I must be getting soft. It is a sign that we are well into the holidays. Oh mush.

Happy holidays to those to pass. Though I'm sure no one really reads this blog, for my own memories sake, Merry Christmas eve, and a better Christmas day.

Hope you a good one.

a wife

C started his new job last Friday and worked through the weekend.
It was my first weekend alone since, well, many years ago.
It wasn't so bad, I had chores to do, things that had to be done.

Last night, C came home and told me he'll have to work 7 days a week indefinitely.
7 DAYS A WEEK.
It was ok, as long as he wasn't too tired and I figured, if he's ok, I'm ok.

But I broke down. I crashed. I started sobbing in the middle of dinner and couldn't see the chicken pieces in front of me.
I haven't been alone in so long that time just doesn't go for me. We've spent every weekend together (at least one full day) for almost a decade. I couldn't bear to change that now.
I'm happy, mind you. He's making more money, he seems happier, and so I'm happy. But to bear the thought of spending every weekend alone? It was lonely even just to think.
Seriously, I am happy. I've been stressed about paying bills and trying to save with my salary alone for a while, so I'm very relieved and happy that C has a stable job now.
But it's just such a fast transition that it isn't giving me time to adjust. And with having moved in the last few months, I haven't exactly "completely" adjusted to our new life in our new home.
It's better that I'm a lot closer to my family now, distance wise, but it still just stinks that C and I won't have much time together. I'm ok.

Transition. It just gets so much harder as you get older. You establish a certain routine, a show if you will, day in and day out. You get comfortable. And to change all that?
C and I both have had many changes in our lives in the past year. For goodness sake, we moved out of and back into the state in less than 3 years. He's quit his job, started a new job, lost that job and started his own, closed that, and started a new job all in just months over a year. It's been a crazy never ending rollercoaster and I thought having moved back, we'll find a new routing. Start fresh. I should be used to this by now, but I'm stubborn. I still like what I like, know what I know.

C, I'm happy and very proud of you. I may not be the most supportive and understanding wife, but I am extremely proud and love that you want to take care of me. I just don't want you to burn out. New move, new life. It's the start of a new future for us, a better one that we planned the first time around. We're going to make this work, no matter how hard.
I hope you know that.

a wife

I used to fight with C a lot about calls.
How I would always be the one who calls, because I think about him. And how he never calls me. I got over that. Partly.

What irritates me is that he never picks up his calls.
A lot of times he tells me he never got my calls. Which is why I make it a point to call at least 3 times because the chances of not getting all 3? Pretty slim.
But there are days even those 3, or 5, or 10 calls just never go through. Hm.
His cell is always left on vibrate and his cell has one of the worst, weakest vibrate mode.
And on the LUCKY days it's on a ringtone, it doesn't help that he has the hearing of an 80 year old man sometimes.
If I text him, I'll be lucky to get a text back in the next 10 minutes.

It's so frustrating. Why do I even bother? I call him when I get to work. I call during lunch. I call when I get off work. I call when I get home. He used to do it too. But he forgets quite often. FORGETS. How do you forget to do something that you do EVERY DAY? I try to keep telling myself that it's not because it's me. He's just a forgetful person. But sometimes, enough is enough. Why do I even bother?

My sister always gets a call from her husband when he leaves work. Man, sometimes I just want to punch C in the face and say SEE? OTHER GUYS DO IT TOO DAMMIT.

When I see people get calls during lunch breaks from their spouse, I used to want that. I won't lie, sometimes I still want that. But I made peace with myself. C just isn't that kind of guy. I justify for myself. I don't really need that. It's a hassle anyway. But I call or make a point to text C everyday. To make sure he takes the time out to eat and take care of himself.
Maybe it is me. If I didn't do it, I wouldn't want it.

Back to the point. I'm not asking so much for him to even call me. All I ask is that he picks up his phone when I call. On his day off. At home. I don't expect that when he works. I just expect that when C is home. I guess that is just too damn much to ask for.

He used to be ok. He used to call just to see how I was doing, and pick up when I called. I guess marriage does change things. Maybe I should change. I don't have to tell him I got to work, or that I got off work. Maybe I should stop calling.

Speaking of which, I don't know why I have a phone. I never use it. I'm just wasting money each month for minutes I never use. Maybe I should get rid of it. Save money and C the trouble of actually remembering to call me to tell me he's ok.

Man, I am having a pretty shitty day. This week couldn't be any slower.

a wife

C had a job interview yesterday.
His first interview in over 5 years. I was sad that I couldn't watch him get ready in the morning, snazzing it up in his suit.

I hope he gets this job. We both need this, I think.
But the scary part is, he won't be home most of the time. At least that is my fear right now. You see, he will be required to work at night, and graveyard shifts. You do what you have to, right?

It's going to be very hard adjustment. Since we dated, C and I have never been apart. We've never went one day without seeing each other, minus the 1 time I went away with my family for over a week. After we got married, we've always eaten dinner together, we've always slept together at the same time, we've always had similar schedules.
And now all that can change.

C.H.A.N.G.E.

While I like the possiblity of change, and all things that change brings, I am already feeling lonely. I'll have to eat by myself, sleep by myself, watch TV by myself...
Growing up in a large family, I never really had a chance to eat by myself. I haven't slept alone since the day we got married. TV, well, that's not really that bad.

I will miss you C. I know it's still indefinite what'll happen with this change, but I already miss you. On the bright side, I hope this will make both of us appreciate each other more, since we won't have as much time together... Only time will tell.
Change.

a sister

I went to the outlet mall with C and my sister over the weekend. It was a bit chilly, but an overall great day. I realized how much I miss hanging out with her. We used to do everything together. Of course, growing up, it was a pain in the ass to have to take her with me everywhere I went.

My friends' birthday party in the second grade. She lived in the building behind my building. I remember telling my mother that I didn't want to have to take my sister. She yelled at me. Made me take her. I remember the birthday party, I had all my friends there. So needless to say, my sister was left all alone on the couch. She wasn't a very sociable person, and I, being mad for having to bring her, left her there. I remember her spilling her slice of birthday cake on her shirt, eyes getting puffy ready to shed some tears, but really really trying hard to keep them in. At the end of the party, we each got a traditional Chinese jewelry box, you know, the kind that when you open them, it smells like really bad gas? We each had our jewelry box, and headed home. I remember that cheered her up. To be at someone else's birthday party and getting to leave with gift in tow. When we came home, she proudly told my mother of how much fun she had. Thinking back, she couldn't be more miserable there.

There used to be a shoe store, Fayva I think. I remember I maybe in the second or third grade. My mother said she'll buy me new shoes. I was so excited. Having so many children in the house, new articles of clothing or shoes were hard to come by. So we went to the store. My little sister was with me. I remember picking out these shiny black shoes. They looked like tapdancing shoes. I wanted those. And those I got. And guess what the little sister picked out? We had the same shoes. It was devastating. But I couldn't stop her from getting them. My mother would yell at me. And I wasn't about to pick another pair of shoes, this was what I chose! Still, in a good mood with new shoes, we went home.

Back then, a cereal box had interesting things for kids on the back of the box. It just so happened that at that time, the back of the box had punchouts for your shoelaces. What do you know? I cut them out, put them on my new shiny black shoes. And again, who goes crying to mommy wanting them too? So a new cereal box was taken out to cut the exact punchout to put on the exact same shoe that didn't belong to me.

Thinking back on these memories, I wish I just had one more chance to relive that time. Finishing my Skittles extra fast so I could take some of hers. Eating chocolate in the middle of the night and expecting my mom to never find out... only to wake up and still have chunks of white chocolate pastilles stuck on our faces and hairs.
Those were the days.

Someday, I wish to have two daughters and watch them repeat things I've done with my sister. That would be a great day.

Love you little sis!

a woman

It's easy to lose yourself, especially when you are with someone else.
Especially in serious relationships.

I did.

Seven years ago, I forgot the meaning of what it means to be me.
I lost myself.

Women get so consumed in the great thoughts of being an "us", a "we".
But our biggest mistake is that we no longer know what it means to be a "me", and "I".
It's great to be an "us", it's great to know there is someone there by your side. But it's most important to always remember that there is a "me" there still.

I made that big mistake. I completely lost the sense of being me, and now I can't get me back. I don't know how to get me back. I don't remember what it meant to be me from the beginning.
I was a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student. But I never identified myself as just plain me. I always referred to myself in my situation. A friend, a girlfriend, never just me.

I waited around for over seven hours for my other "us" to talk about our problems. And the "us" never came. I sat blindly in tears waiting for some closure, some sense that we're still as good of an "us" that I thought we were. But those hours were in vain. By hour 4, I already realized that this wasn't going to happen. But the "what if" kept me going. Kept me waiting in anticipation while I practiced all the things I would say in my head.

At hour 1, a pat on the shoulder. An empty gesture. I was mad. No, I was furious. I don't know what I did wrong. What I did that caused all this in the first place. I didn't need a pat on my shoulder. What I needed was an apology. The apology that I freely give whenever I did something wrong. The apology that I give, pushing aside my pride because of the bond I thought we shared. It was my fault for expecting it. For waiting for it. A pat on my shoulder wasn't going to mend my heart back together. Especially when that pat was on the way from the bathroom, because I was in the way.

I pushed the hand away, sat in the corner of the bedroom, and the tears kept flowing. They didn't stop. I dug through my things in hopes to distract myself. My old date books, the birthday and Christmas cards I received, my old journal. And the journal didn't help me. It reminded me of all the times I let myself go to fight to become a "we" and not to remain "me". All those immature entries about how I would like to start a new future, to be a "we" for the rest of my life. And I realized that I had lost my sense of me too long ago.

I sat for another 2 hours, trying to figure out where I went wrong. Where my life took a wrong turn, and left me here in this corner, this day, wishing I remained a "me" for the rest of my life. Do other people go through this? How do other people deal with these issues? Who can I talk to, to distract myself from all this? And I realized I had no one else.

In my endless search to become an "us", I shed everything and everyone to get here. I left my friends, my family members, all that I knew in the dust to get where I am today. And where am I now? Left with no one to talk to, no one to listen to me. I am all alone.

I post this in hopes that any woman who reads this, who are in relationships, who wish to be in relationships, in any situation. Please, don't lose yourself. It's great to have someone. Really. Even when you regret any decisions you have made, even when you think this isn't going to last, or this is not what you wanted. Or when you think everything is swell and nothing is ever going to change. Love the situation you are in. Love the person you are with. Love just being an "us". Just don't forget about the most important person in your life. You.

a wife

We did things backwords, C and I.

We planned and booked a date for the wedding.
We booked the caterer.
We found my dress and arranged for flowers and make up.

All before he "officially" proposed.

We were young and in a rush. Come December, Christmas to be exact, he got down on one knee.

We planned a trip to NYC to see the big tree at Rockefeller Center.
We had a wonderful dinner. I don't remember the name. But I remember the whole restaurant was most Jewish people. I remember thinking C and I are probably the only non Jewish person to be eating out on Christmas day!
We went around the tree. I was waiting for it. Nothing came.
Mildly disappointed. But we're getting married all the same. It didn't matter.

We got back to my parents' house. I put the key in the lock. I was about to enter the house when I turned around and there he was. On one knee. On the stairs. Right outside my parents' house. He was so shaky and nervous it was so sweet. It was the same facial expression when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I kept telling him to get up. I was nervous too. Then he finally asked me. And of course, I said yes. I cried. A little.

It's funny how we already had a date. We already made a promise to each other. But when the time actually came for the ring, it was a nervewracking experience.

Since then, I haven't seen C's nervous face again.
Oh, to relive that day just one more time...

a wife

Happy Merry Anniversary, baby!

Thank you for always being by my side...
No matter how terrible a monster I could be.

I love you always.

a wife

For the first 1 1/2 years of marriage, I never used the kitchen. Sure we needed to eat. That's what C was there for.

Growing up, I had minimal interest in the kitchen. When I did have a little spark, my mom never had the time to teach me. She had her reasons. Good ones I might add. You see, in her mind, once I grew up and was on my own, it would mandatory that I would have to cook for the rest of my life. So why start already? I respect that.

So for over a year, I came home to a ready dinner. It worked out. I came home later than C did anyway, so it just made sense. Until May came around and changed my kitchen-free life for good.

For a long Memorial Day weekend, C and I decided to visit my sister about 4~5 hours away. Well actually, more like 6~7 hours from where we were at the time. It was a nice relaxing weekend, nice to get away sometimes. My sister and her husband have demanding careers. They both worked long, late hours. But during that weekend, I realized that my sister, who works over 60+ hours a week, comes home and tries to have dinner on the table every evening. Sure, I was tired from work. And sure, my commute was ridiculous at about 4 hours a day. But she somehow managed to do it. I became determined. If she can do it, I can do it. So I made a promise to myself that day. I will try to cook dinner at least once/twice a week.

It was nervewracking. I have never attempted more than making instant ramen noodles for myself. So to cook a meal that C and I could both eat, and not kill C in the process was a challenge.

Today, I am proud to say I am a decent cook. I could whip up dinner with ingredients that I have on hand without panicking and constant turning to the internet for help. While most of my interest lies in baking pastries and sweets, my success in the kitchen as a regular cook does me pride.

To see C's reaction when he comes home ready to a fully prepared dinner, it's worth all the trouble. His *sniff sniff* "Mmm, what smells so good?" is enough to make me beam with pride.

Oh, the things you do to make your spouses happy.

a daughter-in-law

C and I have to see my mother-in-law this Sunday. We have to drive up over an hour to see her. And I am already dreading the trip.

What is it about in-laws that drive you nuts? It's a universal thing. It doesn't end with age, it doesn't end with culture. In-law nightmares are like cockroaches. They will be forever. There is no getting rid of it. Let me count the ways.

Mine sure as hell drives me insane. My mother-in-law calls C every week, religiously. Of late, she's been calling more often. Probably about 2~3 times a week. C is a mature married man. He doesn't need you to call and to check up on him.
My father-in-law? Where do I begin?

*

Two years before we got married, C moved back in with his parents in hopes to save more money for our wedding. Mistake numero uno.
C also decided to work with his parents in the family business. Mistake numero dos.

For an added "bonus", C's dad promised to buy him a car. He was moving over an hour drive away from me and his current beat up '90 Honda Accord wasn't going to last the drives he was willing to make to see me.

So, along with the terrible mistakes, and the bribe of a new car, C was bought over and he made the move.

Ultimately, the car wasn't "bought" for C. His dad made a minimal down payment on a $16,000 2004 Honda Civic and made C make the car payments that he could barely afford with the minimal salary his father was willing to pay him. Talk about being screwed. But, C had too much respect for his parents. Never complained, never held a grudge.

*

We got married about 2 years later (it took a full 2 years because of his dad not willing to pay his son a decent wage and our salaries put together wasn't enough for the extravagant wedding his parents wanted but didn't want to help pay for... *a story for another time*) and I complained about his pay. His dad was "too generous" with the $50 raise a week. My father-in-law also decided that C and I don't need 2 cars (I had a car of my own) and decided to just take C's Honda Civic. Just like that. The "promise" to buy C a car just turned out that C leased the car from his dad. Made monthly payments. Made payments to maintain the car. And after we got married, just like that, his dad decides C's lease was up and repossessed the car.

Here's the worst thing my father-in-law did to us.

Before we got married, C's dad loaned him money to help with our wedding finances. He told C not to worry about paying him back, that we can take our time after we settle down.
This was such a generous offer, I thought at the time. But I couldn't be more wrong.

Marrying in a big city is very expensive. It didn't help that C's parents also wanted to invite almost 300 people. That C and I were forking up. Costing over $100 per person, we couldn't afford this. We told his parents that 150 is the max that he could invite. Though thinking back, I should have stood firm and told them that they couldn't invite more than 50 people, take it or leave it. I guess there's no point dwelling.

We ended up with 250 people attending our wedding. Though C and I were out over $30K, it was great. We had fun. We left for our honeymoon.
It was when we came back, I wanted to stab a knife through my heart and mourn for the terrible in-laws that I was stuck with for eternity.

C's parents collected all our monetary gifts from the wedding and told us that they'll hold it until we came back from our honeymoon. When we went to see them to say hello and collect our gifts, it turns out that they already went through all the monies, and get this, THEY ALREADY TOOK THE AMOUNT THAT HE LOANED C. The money he told us that we can wait to pay back. The money that was from people who came to OUR wedding for US to use to start OUR new life together. He took it. He stole it. I was going to pay it back. Once we added up all the money that came in, I was planning to pay it back with it.

And then, he had the nerve to complain that my sisters were too cheap with the amounts they gave me. My sisters. Who really didn't have to give me anything. This man who paid nothing towards our wedding, gave us nothing for our marriage, called my family members cheap for not giving enough money to his liking.

This was the start of my life as a daughter-in-law.

an employee

During a very short trip to California in May, I bought 2 mugs for C and I at one of the airport shops. As a souvenir. Of our terrible trip to California.
On the back of each mug says "Do What You Like, Like What You Do."
I realize that is what I am NOT doing in my life right now. I work for a very very small company and while it pays ok, as are the benefits, I'm just not happy here.

I have dreams. But in order to reach the beginning of a dream, I must prepare myself.
I try to think that is what I am doing. Prepping myself.

I must keep my goals in mind always. To always know that what I do now is for the greater good for my future...

My job sucks.

a wife

The alarm goes off at 7:10 a.m. Just ten more minutes.
My last and final alarm sets off again at 7:20 a.m. I must get up.
I head for the bathroom, perform my usual get ready rituals and I'm back in the bedroom at 7:38 a.m. C is still asleep.

I creep towards the closet, grab whatever is on top, put it on and head to the living room.
I turn the T.V. on, hope to make the weather section on the news. At 7:55 a.m. I give C a kiss, and head out the door.

I arrive at work at approximately 8:45 a.m. and my day starts with many emails to get to.
But not until my morning coffee. My work computer is acting up. It seems to take a full five minutes to start up.

The day feels endless. It's only Tuesday.

At 5 p.m. sharp, I will be leaving work to get on my 5:10 p.m. bus.
I will be reach my apartment at approximately 5:45 p.m.
I will check the mail, get in the elevator, and get off my floor. I will put my keys in the lock to open the door but inside, C will have already reached the door and open it before I finish unlocking the top lock.

This will only be for (yesterday and) today since C is home. Tomorrow, I will be coming home to an empty space. But today, he will open the door for me, tell me he was so lonely, that time seems to have stopped, and that he's glad I'm home.
I am glad too.

I will change into something more comfortable. My usual salmon colored shirt that is washed ten too many times, it looks like it's ready to fall to pieces, my bright neon green shorts that just doesn't sit right at the hip.

I slip into the kitchen and start dinner. It'll be spicy fish stew. I remembered to move the fish from the freezer to the refrigerator last night. Good.
If I have some time before dinner, I will get to do the laundry.
If I'm extra lucky, C would have already done the laundry as I have asked him to do.
We'll have to see.

After dinner, we will watch some T.V., eat some grapes, get ready for bed.

This will be the end of my day.