Physically or Emotionally?

Battling cancer is tough.  No one who hasn't had to go through it could understand.  People around me has been gracious enough to me through this time but they don't really know.

I get emotional sometimes.  I get irrational.  Since the surgery, I only crashed once... when I heard the results of my pathology report stating that I will need to get RAI (radioactive iodine) done.  I've been strong through this experience.  But because I've been acting as if nothing has changed doesn't mean I haven't changed.  It doesn't mean that this battle is easy for me.  It doesn't mean that I am not broken inside.  Torn.  Angry.  Sad.  I feel all these things.  

Before my surgery, C and I had a big blow out about my cancer diagnosis.  Before my biopsy results, we were talking about all possibilities and I questioned about what if I had the worst kind of thyroid cancer?  The kind that can kill you, even in your 20's?  C got angry that I'm not sounding positive enough.  To assure that I'll do all that I can to physically try to fight this disease.  Since then, I have been really trying to only speak, think, sound positive.  But that's not how I feel inside.

C's there for me, physically.  He's been taking very good care of me since my surgery and I am thankful for that.  But what I really need, what I truly need right now is someone to be "there" for me, emotionally.  I don't need someone next to me.  I don't need anyone to take care of me.  What I need is someone who understands what I am going through.  All my emotions.  All the negative thoughts racing through my head.  I'm sad.  I'm really sad.  I feel so alone.  

I had dreams, goals to obtain.  This cancer came in my way and put a dramatic hold on my life.  I know it's something I could work around.  I know this isn't the end of the world.  I know I will come out stronger on the other side, blah blah blah shit.

I know all these things.  But it's something that has happened to me.  C, friends, family members, they all say the hardest part is over.  What hardest part?  The surgery?  Surgery isn't the hardest part.  The hardest part is getting over the emotional distress this has caused in my life.  RAI.  Worrying about recurrences for the rest of my life.  Worrying that one day when I want to try to get pregnant, that this disease made me incapable.  Worrying that my synthetic hormone dosage is off and I will feel the repercussions.  Surgery was easy.  The hardest part through this cancer just started and it's far from gone.   They don't understand.  And I don't want them to, because if they did, it would be because they had to deal with something this bad in their own lives.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I feel so alone.

It's already tomorrow...

I have yet to receive any calls about what time I should be at the hospital by tomorrow.
But a nice surprise was that my surgeon actually *FINALLY* called me back today to speak about any concerns I may have.  I don't think I asked all my questions... I wasn't expecting him to call so I forgot what some of my concerns were.  But we did discuss why I should remove all my thyroid instead of just half.

1) Total thyroidectomy drastically reduces my chances of recurrences.
2) If the other lobe turns out to have cancer, I will need to do RAI (RadioActive Iodine) which I cannot do if I still have half of my thyroid.
3) If the other lobe does have cancer, I will have to do surgery AGAIN to remove that side.
4) Regardless of whether I take out half or whole, I will still need to be on hormone therapy.
5) If I choose not to do RAI, it will be easier to keep track of my status/progress using my blood test results.

At this point, all I am hoping for is that it has not spread anywhere.  Please please please let it be contained to just my thyroid... *le sigh.

My doctor assumes I'll need to come in tomorrow by 9 am. but I'll need to wait for a confirmation call later today.... ugh.  I hate all this waiting.  Waiting is the one thing I am NO good at.  I need to learn some patience.

I'm a little nervous.  A little uneasy.  But I'll get through this.  I have a loving dedicated husband by my side, with the support of my family and friends.  I am a truly lucky gal.

Through all this, I can't help but count all the good things that has come out of this negative experience and I am very, very lucky.

Crunch Time

I have officially one more business day before I go under the knife.
I haven't yet packed my overnight bag for the hospital... I don't know what to take.
The nurse said to prepare myself, but what do I need?
A toothbrush.  Check.
Me.  Check.

That's my list... hm... I will need to pack a few games and stuff for C while he waits for me.  Poor C.  He's gonna be so uncomfortable.  I'll be going in and out of sleep (or so I hear from other people's experiences) so I won't need anything to keep me company... I don't think..

So in preparation for coming back home after surgery,  I'm gonna head out this weekend and pick up a few items...

I hear I will need lots of pillows to keep my head propped up while I sleep... 
I will need to stock up on some soft foods (pudding, yogurt, soup, etc) as I will have a hard time swallowing regular foods for a few days.

I'm mostly worried about how I'll keep entertained during my recovery time.  I know I will be able to move around and stuff after 2~3 days but to be home alone all day for 2 weeks... kind of dreading that!  But I guess I'll catch up on lots of rest!

So, so far so good.  I feel mentally (somewhat) prepared.  I have lots of support from C and my family members.  I am thinking positive (or trying really really hard).  In 4 days time, I will be thyroidless...  Hopefully it won't be too much of a change in my life... I know a lot of the recovery is how I handle things mentally.  I feel like I've been preparing for this for quite some time without realizing it. 

4 days.
I can't wait for it to be over before it's even begun.

...

I called my doctor's office and left another message for either the doctor or the nurse to call me back this morning.  Luckily, within the hour, I got a call back.  From the nurse.  Obviously.

I addressed to her all my concerns, about how my biopsy result was "suspicious" for papillary and if it isn't definite, is a total thyroidectomy (getting the whole thing out) really necessary?  She said she spoke to my doctor and he said it was papillary cancer, why the pathologist wrote "suspicious" is anyone's guess.
I asked about the meds, will I be on them right away?  When will I see the doctor after surgery? etc.
After all these questions answered, I feel so much better.  I now feel like I can try to remain calm until my surgery... which is only 5 days away.  I feel a little jittery, but it's normal I guess...

Anyway, nothing more to update for today.
I need this week to be done and over with...
*Sigh.

Doubts

As humans, we doubt others.  When it comes down to it, we only trust ourselves.  Sure, you have your family and friends you put your faith in, but when it comes to your life, would you trust them with it?
So you can imagine how hard it is to trust doctors, these people you've never met in your life.

I used to think doctors always had your best interest.  Always, no doubt about it.
That changed when I had to go to the hospital for my dad 2 years ago.  My dad was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis and had to be put on a lot of meds.  Going to a specialist to follow up after his release at the hospital, I remember the doctor asking why my dad is on HIV medication.  HIV? For his liver?  It turns out that the doctor at the hospital put him on wrong meds.  Thank goodness my dad only took 1 or 2 pills of this HIV medicine.  If he took them for a while, who knows what could have happened, what would his side effects be like?  

So you understand my reluctance when it comes to my diagnosis.  I did my research, found the best surgeon in the field and went with him.  I have also read great reviews about him and was confident in my decision.

However, with only a few days away from my surgery, I guess I had a panic attack.  After the biopsy, my result was given to me by his nurse.  Any and all messages I leave the receptionist remains unreturned.  I guess I was thinking 'oh my goodness, maybe I made a mistake.'

After my biopsy, the pathologist who took a look at my cell sample said I will need remove my thyroid.  She explained further that for papillary cancer, usual protocol was to remove the whole thyroid.  When the nurse called to tell me the biopsy results, she said she didn't know why the report said "suspicious for papillary cancer", that it's most definitely papillary cancer and that I will need to take the whole thyroid out as well.  I remember asking her if they will do a frozen section on me (testing the other lobe to see if there was cancer before having my whole thyroid removed during the surgery) and she said they do that.   I guess I started wondering why the doctor hasn't called me.  I'm not sure what the protocols here are, but I just thought that is what the doctor is supposed to do.  I guess it's like trying to call a lawyer and all you can speak to is his paralegal? I don't know.

I was fretful all day, I left 3 messages with the receptionist again today and still no call back.  I still also need to get the results from my pre-op testing to make sure everything is ok for my surgery next Tuesday.  Then I had an email.  From a young woman in my thyroid cancer support group.  She explained how she was in the same situation as I was, couldn't get in touch with her surgeon, etc.  And then she said, "We need to have faith in our doctors unless they give reason to do so otherwise."  For some reason, this calmed me.  She's right.  I chose this doctor.  I did enough research to know that he's one of the best around.  To doubt right now is doubting myself.  I have 6 days left until surgery.  I am doing what is best for me right now.  If I have scheduled a surgery for a total thyroidectomy (removing the whole thyroid) and this wasn't the right course of action on my end, I'm sure the doctor will tell me otherwise... I need to have faith.  Now if only someone was nice enough to call me back with my pre-op test results...

C'est la vie...

What Not to Say..

When I first found out I had thyroid cancer, I told my family and friends.
I wasn't in too much shock about my results, so I wasn't crying hysterically while telling people.
But even though I tried to sound strong while telling people, I assumed that people will react to my news with some sort of sympathy.  Not too much, but at least a little.

It's especially worse since I'm not hurting anywhere, I don't feel sick...

Anyway, through this experience I realize what to say or not to say to someone who has just been diagnosed with bad news...

1.  One of my sisters I've told, while being trying to be consoling, made me feel like I'm dying.  While talking, she kept emphasizing the fact that I'm "sick".  People have to be nice to me "because I'm sick".  People have to buy me lunch/dinner when we hang out "because I'm sick".  I have to get to do everything I want to do "because I'm sick".  I don't feel sick.  I don't hurt anywhere.  Just because I have a tumor that needs to be removed doesn't mean I am dying tomorrow!  While it's nice for people to be understanding of my during this time, I don't need them to treat me like an invalid.
2.  Another sister I've told, now this was, um... quite a speechless moment.  She called me after I got home from the biopsy and asked how it went.  After I told her, her first reaction was "Oh, Papillary!  Oh it's nothing then!  Papillary thyroid cancer isn't even a cancer!  So it's nothing we have to worry about."  I was speechless, and for the first time since my diagnosis that morning, I had tears swelling.  I felt so much anger and I just wanted to yell at her.  The only response I came up with was "Says the person who doesn't have cancer. "  I guess she kind of took the cue and tried a meager cover up "Oh, you know what I mean..."  Um, hello? No, I don't know what you mean.  I understand that every website you search for thyroid cancer says it's "the best cancer to have" but that doesn't mean it's not serious.  It's still cancer, it's still scary.  It doesn't give you a right to dismiss my illness, or make my cancer any less real.  Sometimes, silence is golden.  If you don't have anything useful to say to a person who is hurting inside, please, just shut up.
3.  My boss was very understanding about my situation and reassured me to take all the time I need to recover.  Very nice, huh?  But everyday afterwards, he would come over to my desk and say "Don't worry, thyroid cancer isn't even cancer.  I hear in Japan, people who have thyroid cancer don't even remove their tumors!".  Well, you know what Mr. Boss? I don't give a shit what people do in Japan.  I don't live in Japan, so don't tell me this bullshit thinking I'm gonna feel better because a whole country dismisses the seriousness of thyroid cancer.
Also, I believe he's been telling his friends about my cancer and they've been sending emails at work about how to live a healthy life.  I'M HEALTHY.  Just because I have this disease doesn't mean I'm unhealthy you ignorant fools!  There was this whole email about the basic facts about cancer, etc.  As if I didn't research all this on my own already!  I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but his friends sending me general facts about cancer? Um, if they were smart enough to research specifically for thyroid cancers, they would realize that there are many differences between thyroid cancer to all other cancers.  Treatments are different!  I wish these people would understand that I'm otherwise healthy and while the concerns are appreciated, I don't want to be overwhelmed.
4.  My coworker was surprisingly very supportive.  I appreciated all the support and comfort she has provided, but after the first week, she also became very pushy.  Now a days, she would tell me to read all the websites she found concerning "healthier living" and remind me to read up.  It's all very nice, but the point of all this is, I DON'T NEED REMINDERS OF MY CONDITION ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.  I already know what I have.  I have come to terms.  Stop  telling me how to live, or what to eat/not eat, etc.

The point is, while being supportive is great, I don't need someone to remind me everyday.  I don't need people to tell me how to live because I have this illness.  Nothing changes in my life.  Yes, I have to go through surgery.  Yes, I have cancer.  But why does that have to change who I am? Why does it have to change my life?

If you don't have anything supportive to say, please don't say anything at all.

Tests, Tests and More Tests

I had my pre-surgery testing this morning.
I walked in, about 10 minutes before 10, as I was told that I had a 10am appointment.
I walked towards the info desk and told them I had a 10am appt.
The guy behind the counter was like, "um, this is first come first serve."  Ok... *sigh. waiting is gonna be BORING!  Good thing I picked up a free newspaper. 
Anyway, told the front desk my name, my doctor's name, and the date of my surgery.
I waited about 40 minutes when FINALLY I was called.  Luckily there weren't too many people there today (I guess the pouring rain is good for something!) and I walked into the office.

I wasn't sure what to expect as I've never been to the hospital for myself before...

I am told to sit and this young woman asks the common questions - name, address, insurance, etc.
She did all the paperwork I will need done on the day of surgery as well so I don't have to do this again.
I sign a bunch of papers and I am moved to another waiting area... G.R.E.A.T.

This room was very quick, a nurse came and I was given a small container to pee in... Urinalysis.
The same nurse took me now to a third room, and drew 3 vials of blood.  One for red/white blood cells, one for pregnancy test, one for all other miscellaneous testing.  That was it! The testing itself was probably no more than 10 minutes.  The total hospital waiting time was about 1 hour and 15 minutes.

*

I asked the woman during the "interview" whether C can stay the night with me when at the hospital.
The woman was very nice and explained that if I had a double room, as long as the other patient didn't mind, it was ok.  I really hope I don't have an ass as a hospital roommate.  Since getting married, C and I have never been apart except for 1 night when my dad was in the hospital.  Other than that night, we've never been apart.  So especially during this time, I really wouldn't want to be alone... I hope it works out.

On brighter news, the nurse that took my blood today was extremely nice.  If she was an example of what kind of care I'll be getting after surgery, I am in good hands. 

Now the count down officially begins. 
I need to start getting ready what to pack as an overnight bag, prep my comfort for after surgery when I get home, etc... Pillows, The New York Times Supersized Book of Sunday Crosswords, maybe a few Sudoku puzzles... I'm gonna be ready!

8 days to go...

An Episode

After I received my diagnosis, unlike other people, I have yet to have a "Why Me?" moment.  I haven't felt anger, I haven't felt sorry for myself, I haven't felt anything but something similar to just being sad.  

Friday night, I broke down and had a "Why NOW?" moment.

If you recall, I've been baking a cake for C's birthday and I finished it after I came home from work Friday evening.

We decided to go out to dinner and afterwards eat cake and relax at home.

Coming back from dinner, we got lost.  We lost our tempers, got upset, angry, annoyed, the works.  We're usually ok in these situations, but this time it wasn't pretty.

Finally having found our way back home, we decided to stop and do some grocery shopping.

It just wasn't a good night.  Everything we did, everything we said, we kept clashing.

By the time we were home, C said to me, "This is why I didn't want to do anything for my birthday."

I crashed.  I've been working so hard to make it a special day for him.  Planning out what to do.  I was determined to not let this stupid disease spoil an otherwise happy day.  But as soon as he said those words, I hardened.

I've been doing all that I could, in my power, to continue and do things as it used to be, despite how hard it was for me inside.

I stopped having this urge to cook, I stopped wanting to do a lot of things. But because it was his birthday, because it was C...

I had a moment of "WHY NOW?"  Really, why now?  I had all that time nothing eventful was happening, it could've happened then and it would have been ok and over.  C's birthday, our 8 year dating anniversary coming up, my school starting soon, it was just too much.  I crashed.  

Timing was never right in my life.  I don't think I've ever had something happen to me that I recall happened JUST in the right time.  So what's the difference now?

*

I would like you to know why I am writing this post. 

Since this disease happened to me, I have tried, and remained, strong.

I seem and act as if nothing is wrong, and I learned to believe it.

I joined a support group who've been nothing short of just great people who understood me and I try to make it a point that I am stronger than this disease, that this is nothing.  It's just a small setback in my life that'll go away.  

But I would like to mention that it is normal to cry.  It is normal to complain.  It is normal to think all the things that pop into your head.

What I would like to emphasis though, is that while all this is normal, don't let it take over your life.

It is scary, this disease, or any disease.  But crying day and night, dwelling on it won't make it go away.  

Positive thinking.  Happy thoughts.  Remember that this isn't the end, it's just the beginning.  We have to keep a straight, clear head and concentrate, dedicate all our energy into what we have to do to get better.  Let's not focus on the bad.  

Cry.  Bitch, Vent.  And then let it go.  Let's move on.

We have each other to comfort each other.  Always remember that you are not alone.

We are fighters. We are WARRIORS!