Doubts

As humans, we doubt others.  When it comes down to it, we only trust ourselves.  Sure, you have your family and friends you put your faith in, but when it comes to your life, would you trust them with it?
So you can imagine how hard it is to trust doctors, these people you've never met in your life.

I used to think doctors always had your best interest.  Always, no doubt about it.
That changed when I had to go to the hospital for my dad 2 years ago.  My dad was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis and had to be put on a lot of meds.  Going to a specialist to follow up after his release at the hospital, I remember the doctor asking why my dad is on HIV medication.  HIV? For his liver?  It turns out that the doctor at the hospital put him on wrong meds.  Thank goodness my dad only took 1 or 2 pills of this HIV medicine.  If he took them for a while, who knows what could have happened, what would his side effects be like?  

So you understand my reluctance when it comes to my diagnosis.  I did my research, found the best surgeon in the field and went with him.  I have also read great reviews about him and was confident in my decision.

However, with only a few days away from my surgery, I guess I had a panic attack.  After the biopsy, my result was given to me by his nurse.  Any and all messages I leave the receptionist remains unreturned.  I guess I was thinking 'oh my goodness, maybe I made a mistake.'

After my biopsy, the pathologist who took a look at my cell sample said I will need remove my thyroid.  She explained further that for papillary cancer, usual protocol was to remove the whole thyroid.  When the nurse called to tell me the biopsy results, she said she didn't know why the report said "suspicious for papillary cancer", that it's most definitely papillary cancer and that I will need to take the whole thyroid out as well.  I remember asking her if they will do a frozen section on me (testing the other lobe to see if there was cancer before having my whole thyroid removed during the surgery) and she said they do that.   I guess I started wondering why the doctor hasn't called me.  I'm not sure what the protocols here are, but I just thought that is what the doctor is supposed to do.  I guess it's like trying to call a lawyer and all you can speak to is his paralegal? I don't know.

I was fretful all day, I left 3 messages with the receptionist again today and still no call back.  I still also need to get the results from my pre-op testing to make sure everything is ok for my surgery next Tuesday.  Then I had an email.  From a young woman in my thyroid cancer support group.  She explained how she was in the same situation as I was, couldn't get in touch with her surgeon, etc.  And then she said, "We need to have faith in our doctors unless they give reason to do so otherwise."  For some reason, this calmed me.  She's right.  I chose this doctor.  I did enough research to know that he's one of the best around.  To doubt right now is doubting myself.  I have 6 days left until surgery.  I am doing what is best for me right now.  If I have scheduled a surgery for a total thyroidectomy (removing the whole thyroid) and this wasn't the right course of action on my end, I'm sure the doctor will tell me otherwise... I need to have faith.  Now if only someone was nice enough to call me back with my pre-op test results...

C'est la vie...