Monday is exactly my half way point in school.
It's been great.
My chef instructor liked the way I work in class so he recommended me to Balthazar's bakery and since last Friday, I am newly employed! It's been a very tiring week so far but I feel like it's been such a great thing that happened to me. I'm that much closer to getting where I want to go. Never had any industry experience but to be able to start out my future pastry career at such a well recognized establishment is such a great start.
I mean, there are people who have to start from little no named places for years before being able to get a job at such a well known place but I am starting there from the get go!
I really have my chef instructor to thank for the start of my prominent pastry career!
10.22.2010
9.01.2010
Goodbye... SUCKA! An tribute to the one person I despise most in the world.
Oh S. Pimpled, chubby, annoying S.
I have spent the last 4 years having to see your face the first thing in the morning, 5x a week.
You were worse than a disease. I couldn't get rid of you but for 2 days a week.
I hate how you think you're the nicest person in the world.
I hate how you think you are SO considerate.
I hate how you look. Period.
I hate how you pretend to be sick, only when the boss is around, while being able to lift a 5 gallon water bottle all by yourself. Exaggeration of illness, much?
I hate how you always say you should start exercising but you never do.
I hate how you complain about how shitty your husband treats you, but you treat him worse.
I hate how you pretend your voice is so soft spoken, when really its very harsh. I heard you on the phone with your husband, drop the act.
I hate how you think you're so fashionable, but no amount of money will buy you style.
I hate how you think you could just buy several pairs of stilettos and think you're walking so pretty when really you look like a 50 year old dude in a midlife crisis.
I hate how you think you're always the victim, when really, the people around you are.
I will always remember in my heart how you treated me. How you could get mad at me for not being considerate of staying away from you after I get RAI treatment for my CANCER, even though I said I won't be at work for 2 weeks. It wasn't enough time in your mind. You yelled that I wasn't "considerate enough". That I wasn't thinking for your well being. I wasn't thinking how YOU would feel. How even though I was the one getting treatment, I should be worried for YOUR health. How YOU have a young sickly son. That I should have been thinking of things I could do to protect YOU. REALLY??? Really MS.CONSIDERATE?
Wow. I thought having cancer and going through radioactive iodine was bad enough. But you proved me wrong. Knowing someone like you in my life was the worst thing that could have happened to me.
I am now getting rid of you for good. You are the worst kind of disease and I am shedding you.
Don't act like you know me, should we ever cross paths. I will not remain this nice.
I won't be rude. I won't be snide. I will be calm but cold. Why?
Because you have it coming. I won't wish ill will on you. I just realize life is fair. You'll have your share of grief. You'll have your share of shit on your plate. I hate you.
You'll get what's coming for you. And you'll deserve every bit of it.
From your child treating you like shit, to your husband treating you like shit, you'll get what's coming for you.
Good riddance you ugly piece of sh*t.
I have spent the last 4 years having to see your face the first thing in the morning, 5x a week.
You were worse than a disease. I couldn't get rid of you but for 2 days a week.
I hate how you think you're the nicest person in the world.
I hate how you think you are SO considerate.
I hate how you look. Period.
I hate how you pretend to be sick, only when the boss is around, while being able to lift a 5 gallon water bottle all by yourself. Exaggeration of illness, much?
I hate how you always say you should start exercising but you never do.
I hate how you complain about how shitty your husband treats you, but you treat him worse.
I hate how you pretend your voice is so soft spoken, when really its very harsh. I heard you on the phone with your husband, drop the act.
I hate how you think you're so fashionable, but no amount of money will buy you style.
I hate how you think you could just buy several pairs of stilettos and think you're walking so pretty when really you look like a 50 year old dude in a midlife crisis.
I hate how you think you're always the victim, when really, the people around you are.
I will always remember in my heart how you treated me. How you could get mad at me for not being considerate of staying away from you after I get RAI treatment for my CANCER, even though I said I won't be at work for 2 weeks. It wasn't enough time in your mind. You yelled that I wasn't "considerate enough". That I wasn't thinking for your well being. I wasn't thinking how YOU would feel. How even though I was the one getting treatment, I should be worried for YOUR health. How YOU have a young sickly son. That I should have been thinking of things I could do to protect YOU. REALLY??? Really MS.CONSIDERATE?
Wow. I thought having cancer and going through radioactive iodine was bad enough. But you proved me wrong. Knowing someone like you in my life was the worst thing that could have happened to me.
I am now getting rid of you for good. You are the worst kind of disease and I am shedding you.
Don't act like you know me, should we ever cross paths. I will not remain this nice.
I won't be rude. I won't be snide. I will be calm but cold. Why?
Because you have it coming. I won't wish ill will on you. I just realize life is fair. You'll have your share of grief. You'll have your share of shit on your plate. I hate you.
You'll get what's coming for you. And you'll deserve every bit of it.
From your child treating you like shit, to your husband treating you like shit, you'll get what's coming for you.
Good riddance you ugly piece of sh*t.
8.30.2010
Update
It has been a very long time since I posted. It's a sign that I've returned to normalcy in my life.
I did the low iodine diet, and the RAI (100 mcI) and it was uneventful, luckily for me.
Things are pretty much back to the way it used to be, except that I've started school and have been exhausted pretty much all the time. Although I won't know that I'm "in the clear" for sure until next year, I don't think about my cancer much anymore.
But I realize that even though I feel ok about it now, when I talk about it, out loud to someone, I quiver.
I get very emotional, even though I am ok now. I start tearing at the sound of my own voice saying "I was diagnosed with..." I don't know why. I guess even though all this have happened, I am still not over the fact that I had a cancer. It couldn't just be a benign tumor, it was full blown cancer. The dreaded C word.
I still find it very strange to say it, but it is what it is.
***
I had 100 millicuries of Radio Active Iodine on 7/8. I went in for thyrogen for two days before (7/6 and 7/7) and had 2 mci of I-123 to do a whole body scan on 7/8 and then received my RAI dose.
I went home, and pretty much just watched dramas on my couch, all covered in garbage bags and linen that will be thrown away. I was so afraid of contaminating anything... Thinking back on it now, I am so glad it's over. I think the worst part of this treatment was that I felt fine through out. People would constantly ask me how I'm feeling, am I doing better, etc. I was so confused as to how I was supposed to answer this. Since I wasn't feeling sick from the get-go, it's hard to say that I'm "doing better". Better than what?
I drank tons of water that day and went to bed. I was fine the next day when I woke up and figured, oh, it wasn't a big deal! Boy was I wrong! I woke up Saturday morning with my parotid salivary glands swollen and it was so painful! I didn't realize anything was wrong until I was trying to drink some water. I felt the saliva trying to squeeze out of its swollen glands and it couldn't and that was so painful! I massaged the gland all day, ate spicy foods from that afternoon (I was told to stay on LID for 24 hours after RAI so by 12 the day after RAI, I was allowed to eat anything I wanted!) and remembered to pop in a grape everytime I woke up in the middle of the night. This helped reduce the swelling greatly and by Sunday afternoon, the pain was gone.
Also, I noticed that my scar was very puffy and slighty raised and pinker a few days after RAI. I guess it was normal and it meant that the treatment was working where it should be working (in the thyroid bed) because about 2 weeks later, the swelling went down. I should have taken a picture but alas, I have not.
I went in for another scan a week later, 7/15, and was told there was uptake in the obvious places, seems like there is no metastasis (GREAT!~!) and went home.
3 months post TT my scar looks pretty good:
Since then, I started pastry school on 7/20. A month has since gone by and I love school to death! Except that I feel like I can't enjoy it AS much as I possibly can because I am so tired all the time. I wake up at 6 to get C ready for work, I leave the house at 8, work from 9-5, school from 6-10, and by the time I come home and get ready for bed, it's past midnight. Which means I get under 6 hours of sleep each night. For normal people, this may be enough, but I used to be the type I needed at LEAST 8 hours to function. I've been able to do it for a month now, but I realize I don't want to. So, I am quitting my job (!) on 9/10. So in 2 short weeks, I shall be unemployed.
It's a little nervewracking. I haven't been unemployed in over 5 years. But I realize this is something I need to do. Not just because I'm tired, but because I feel like I should look for a new job (part time for now) in the pastry world. Get me a little experience up my sleeve before school lets out.
Since the diagnosis and surgery, I feel like I have changed so much. I know it's so cliché but I'm a new person because of all this. In some ways, I am glad all this has happened to me because now I am on my way towards the life I would like to lead. There really is light at the end of the tunnel!
I did the low iodine diet, and the RAI (100 mcI) and it was uneventful, luckily for me.
Things are pretty much back to the way it used to be, except that I've started school and have been exhausted pretty much all the time. Although I won't know that I'm "in the clear" for sure until next year, I don't think about my cancer much anymore.
But I realize that even though I feel ok about it now, when I talk about it, out loud to someone, I quiver.
I get very emotional, even though I am ok now. I start tearing at the sound of my own voice saying "I was diagnosed with..." I don't know why. I guess even though all this have happened, I am still not over the fact that I had a cancer. It couldn't just be a benign tumor, it was full blown cancer. The dreaded C word.
I still find it very strange to say it, but it is what it is.
***
I had 100 millicuries of Radio Active Iodine on 7/8. I went in for thyrogen for two days before (7/6 and 7/7) and had 2 mci of I-123 to do a whole body scan on 7/8 and then received my RAI dose.
I went home, and pretty much just watched dramas on my couch, all covered in garbage bags and linen that will be thrown away. I was so afraid of contaminating anything... Thinking back on it now, I am so glad it's over. I think the worst part of this treatment was that I felt fine through out. People would constantly ask me how I'm feeling, am I doing better, etc. I was so confused as to how I was supposed to answer this. Since I wasn't feeling sick from the get-go, it's hard to say that I'm "doing better". Better than what?
I drank tons of water that day and went to bed. I was fine the next day when I woke up and figured, oh, it wasn't a big deal! Boy was I wrong! I woke up Saturday morning with my parotid salivary glands swollen and it was so painful! I didn't realize anything was wrong until I was trying to drink some water. I felt the saliva trying to squeeze out of its swollen glands and it couldn't and that was so painful! I massaged the gland all day, ate spicy foods from that afternoon (I was told to stay on LID for 24 hours after RAI so by 12 the day after RAI, I was allowed to eat anything I wanted!) and remembered to pop in a grape everytime I woke up in the middle of the night. This helped reduce the swelling greatly and by Sunday afternoon, the pain was gone.
Also, I noticed that my scar was very puffy and slighty raised and pinker a few days after RAI. I guess it was normal and it meant that the treatment was working where it should be working (in the thyroid bed) because about 2 weeks later, the swelling went down. I should have taken a picture but alas, I have not.
I went in for another scan a week later, 7/15, and was told there was uptake in the obvious places, seems like there is no metastasis (GREAT!~!) and went home.
3 months post TT my scar looks pretty good:
I stopped taking photos of my scar, I used to take one every day to see if there were any changes. Now, I sometimes forget I have one!
I went to my endo just this past Saturday to get my first bloodwork done since RAI. I need to wait 2 weeks for my results to come back, but judging by the WBS results, my endo said she will "assume" that I am cured unless there is reason to believe otherwise. CURED! I know it's not really "cured" but just hearing it was really nice..
***
It's a little nervewracking. I haven't been unemployed in over 5 years. But I realize this is something I need to do. Not just because I'm tired, but because I feel like I should look for a new job (part time for now) in the pastry world. Get me a little experience up my sleeve before school lets out.
Since the diagnosis and surgery, I feel like I have changed so much. I know it's so cliché but I'm a new person because of all this. In some ways, I am glad all this has happened to me because now I am on my way towards the life I would like to lead. There really is light at the end of the tunnel!
6.29.2010
LID Day #1
I had 1/2 a cup of oatmeal with some honey and blueberries for breakfast. Wasn't as good as I thought it would be in my head... I'll use brown sugar next time. I think that'll be better. And maybe cut the blueberries. It was sour against the warm oat and honey mixture... hm. I'll try again for breakfast tomorrow as I haven't gotten used to the LID dieting for breakfast yet.
I'm kind of lucky because I usually LOVE salads. I prefer them over other things most times anyway. So this diet isn't so bad as I thought it would be.
For lunch I had grilled chicken mixed green salad with balsamic vinegrette, slices of fresh cucumber and celery as snacks. I also had half corn on the cob with some bread and honey to dip.
Afternoon, I got hungry again so I finished the other half of the corn.
Before 5, I'll probably be hungry again so I left a piece of bread and some honey left so that I could have it before I get home.
Now for dinner... damn. I don't know what to have. It's really too hot to cook and I've just been very tired since coming back from Baltimore... *sigh.
Maybe I'll just have some fruit and call it a night.
I also have to pack up another meal for lunch to take to work tomorrow as well.
I don't mind the diet so much, but the planning is what takes work.
I'm kind of lucky because I usually LOVE salads. I prefer them over other things most times anyway. So this diet isn't so bad as I thought it would be.
For lunch I had grilled chicken mixed green salad with balsamic vinegrette, slices of fresh cucumber and celery as snacks. I also had half corn on the cob with some bread and honey to dip.
Afternoon, I got hungry again so I finished the other half of the corn.
Before 5, I'll probably be hungry again so I left a piece of bread and some honey left so that I could have it before I get home.
Now for dinner... damn. I don't know what to have. It's really too hot to cook and I've just been very tired since coming back from Baltimore... *sigh.
Maybe I'll just have some fruit and call it a night.
I also have to pack up another meal for lunch to take to work tomorrow as well.
I don't mind the diet so much, but the planning is what takes work.
6.28.2010
LID Tomorrow
I officially start my LID (low iodine diet) tomorrow.
I was told I need to just do this for a week, which technically means I could start on Thursday, but I figured I could use the first 2~3 days as practice... make sure I don't screw up!
I went out to the supermarket yesterday with C to pick up my food for the week.
Stocked up on blueberries, strawberries, celery, matzo crackers, applesauce, onions, bell peppers, fresh corn (yum! I love corn season!), etc.
I guess this could help me lose a few pounds! =)
Who knows, maybe I could also change my regular diet into a little more healthier lifestyle.
Also made whole wheat bread last night as well. I'll be mostly living off of this bread, fruits and fresh vegetables. Also basmati rice, when I have my carb cravings (which I normally never do).
4 more days of work and I'm outta here! Yay! Took a month off for July for my treatment and do some thinking about my future, my career goals, my path in life. I really need this. So I have a pretty busy week next week as well!
I decided to spend Monday with my baby sister to celebrate an early birthday (as I'll be radioactive on her actual birth date - which totally sucks)!
Tuesday, I go for a blood test and first thyrogen shot. Gonna go home after and set up the space in my living room where I'll be sleeping while radioactive.
Wednesday, second thyrogen shot. And will be meeting my friend who came down for the summer from Illinois.
Thursday - 5 mcI of RAI, scan, 100mcI RAI and go home.
Let the isolation time begin.
*
It worked out perfectly that C has a place to stay while I'm in isolation. A great friend will be moving to a new place in a few days and offered C to stay with him while I am getting treatment.
It's a little unnerving though. C and I've never been apart for more than 1 night in the last God-knows-how-long. Sheesh. I guess this will be good for me as well. I will be taking this alone time to really figure out who I am, who I want to be, what I want to do, etc. It's gonna be a total reflection on my life up until this moment, then into the future of who I want to be.
*
Had a tiring weekend driving to/from Baltimore to visit my new niece O. She's such a sweet little thing. Had a good time visiting but it's definitely not something I want to do often. The drive is just so long and tiring. It really drains you.
Anyway, enough blabbing I guess. I am very tired today and I feel scatterbrained. I am having a hard time focusing...
I was told I need to just do this for a week, which technically means I could start on Thursday, but I figured I could use the first 2~3 days as practice... make sure I don't screw up!
I went out to the supermarket yesterday with C to pick up my food for the week.
Stocked up on blueberries, strawberries, celery, matzo crackers, applesauce, onions, bell peppers, fresh corn (yum! I love corn season!), etc.
I guess this could help me lose a few pounds! =)
Who knows, maybe I could also change my regular diet into a little more healthier lifestyle.
Also made whole wheat bread last night as well. I'll be mostly living off of this bread, fruits and fresh vegetables. Also basmati rice, when I have my carb cravings (which I normally never do).
4 more days of work and I'm outta here! Yay! Took a month off for July for my treatment and do some thinking about my future, my career goals, my path in life. I really need this. So I have a pretty busy week next week as well!
I decided to spend Monday with my baby sister to celebrate an early birthday (as I'll be radioactive on her actual birth date - which totally sucks)!
Tuesday, I go for a blood test and first thyrogen shot. Gonna go home after and set up the space in my living room where I'll be sleeping while radioactive.
Wednesday, second thyrogen shot. And will be meeting my friend who came down for the summer from Illinois.
Thursday - 5 mcI of RAI, scan, 100mcI RAI and go home.
Let the isolation time begin.
*
It worked out perfectly that C has a place to stay while I'm in isolation. A great friend will be moving to a new place in a few days and offered C to stay with him while I am getting treatment.
It's a little unnerving though. C and I've never been apart for more than 1 night in the last God-knows-how-long. Sheesh. I guess this will be good for me as well. I will be taking this alone time to really figure out who I am, who I want to be, what I want to do, etc. It's gonna be a total reflection on my life up until this moment, then into the future of who I want to be.
*
Had a tiring weekend driving to/from Baltimore to visit my new niece O. She's such a sweet little thing. Had a good time visiting but it's definitely not something I want to do often. The drive is just so long and tiring. It really drains you.
Anyway, enough blabbing I guess. I am very tired today and I feel scatterbrained. I am having a hard time focusing...
6.24.2010
Blood, Bruises, and Scars. Oh my!
I went in for a blood test on Tuesday to measure my TSH levels for the first time since surgery.
I haven't gotten my results yet, I'm hoping I will soon.
Depending on these results, I would either stay on my current 112 mcg dose of Synthroid, or be lowered to 100mcg. I am really hoping I don't have any side effects from this... This is the part I dread most.
So I go to the hospital to get my blood drawn. It's a first come first serve basis and they opened at 8:30 a.m.
So I get there 8:30 a.m. thinking I should be 3rd, maybe 4th?
Nope. I am number 10! Ok, well, it still shouldn't be so bad. I had a 10:30 appointment with the Nuclear Med doctor which was moved up to 9:45.
I waited over an HOUR. By the time my name was called, it was 9:35 a.m.
Only 1 person drawing blood. But she was just so SLOW!!!!!!!!
On top of that, see what she did to me?
That is the spot I drew blood. Now, I normally bruise easy, but never in my life had I had a bruise this big.
Damn. Never going back there AGAIN!
*
Anyway, went to see the Nuc Med doctor afterwards. He was a very nice old man.
He was very confident and that eased my mind a bit.
I am still nervous about what if they find a glowing spot in my lungs? Or my liver? What then?
He said I am low risk and that this ablation dose should most likely "cure" me.
*le sigh*
I don't like wasting my thoughts on such things, but I can't help my thoughts lingering on this...
*
I will be visiting my sister to see her newborn baby girl this weekend.
I am very excited. I wanted to get this visit over with before I do my RAI so that I don't have to worry about contaminating my baby niece...
I'm blabbering. I guess I'm just nervous and stressed out about my further treatments...
Ahhh.... my blood test results are still not in.
Damn.
I haven't gotten my results yet, I'm hoping I will soon.
Depending on these results, I would either stay on my current 112 mcg dose of Synthroid, or be lowered to 100mcg. I am really hoping I don't have any side effects from this... This is the part I dread most.
So I go to the hospital to get my blood drawn. It's a first come first serve basis and they opened at 8:30 a.m.
So I get there 8:30 a.m. thinking I should be 3rd, maybe 4th?
Nope. I am number 10! Ok, well, it still shouldn't be so bad. I had a 10:30 appointment with the Nuclear Med doctor which was moved up to 9:45.
I waited over an HOUR. By the time my name was called, it was 9:35 a.m.
Only 1 person drawing blood. But she was just so SLOW!!!!!!!!
On top of that, see what she did to me?
Damn. Never going back there AGAIN!
*
Anyway, went to see the Nuc Med doctor afterwards. He was a very nice old man.
He was very confident and that eased my mind a bit.
I am still nervous about what if they find a glowing spot in my lungs? Or my liver? What then?
He said I am low risk and that this ablation dose should most likely "cure" me.
*le sigh*
I don't like wasting my thoughts on such things, but I can't help my thoughts lingering on this...
*
I will be visiting my sister to see her newborn baby girl this weekend.
I am very excited. I wanted to get this visit over with before I do my RAI so that I don't have to worry about contaminating my baby niece...
I'm blabbering. I guess I'm just nervous and stressed out about my further treatments...
Ahhh.... my blood test results are still not in.
Damn.
6.23.2010
Short Update
It's been over 6 weeks since surgery and I've been doing well.
It was quite a pain in the butt to try to schedule RAI but it's finally done.
I go for 2 days for Thyrogen and 100mci of radioactive iodine starting July 6th.
It's been an annoying, hectic, stressful journey, but I'm glad I am seeing the little light at the end...
I know the full battle isn't over yet, but I have hope.
The Nuclear Medicine doctor was very nice and assuring about my very low chance of reoccurence, that judging by my files, I should be "cured" after this treatment.
"Cured."
Whatever that means...
It's just a hassle. Having to always make sure my meds are in check, always making sure to make appointments with doctors on time to make sure I don't run out of meds. Planning my days, vacations, holidays around these things. It's a nightmare come true. But I'm here. Alive and well.
I read lots of blogs/support groups/etc about surviving Thyroid Cancer and a lot of people go through hell from the getgo.
I was fortunate enough to feel absolutely no change mentally/emotionally throughout this life altering event and is continuously thankful for this.
I did meet with an Endocrinologist 2 Saturdays ago, and she wants to lower my Synthroid to 100mcg in August. I am currently on 112 mcg but apparently this is too high for someone my size/height/weight. I am crossing my fingers that this doesn't affect me in anyway... All these things that I now have to worry about. It really sucks, but I guess this isn't as bad as it could be.
I've been just busy trying to make it through work everyday, waiting for all this to be over.
I am taking a month break from work next month while doing RAI so I am very looking forward to that.
It'll be like a well deserved break. It would be nice if C and I could go on vacation but that won't happen as 2 weeks I'll try to avoid people due to RAI and I actually start pastry school right after that.
I do have much to look forward to in the next coming weeks.
Through this crappy cancer experience, it has taught me so much and I am much a different person due to that.
I appreciate my life, want more out of it and realize that I needed this push to change the course of direction I was headed.
I guess I was afraid to take chances, make life changing decisions, but now my mind is made.
Once RAI is over, I will be posting a lot more about my new journey in the world of food, any changes in my life due to this cancer, and my future career changes.
I am very excited for my future endeavors and cannot wait to share it with the world!
Here is a photo of my scar taken on 6/19. It gets redder when I get hot but mostly it's just like this.
Not bad for 6 weeks, huh?
It was quite a pain in the butt to try to schedule RAI but it's finally done.
I go for 2 days for Thyrogen and 100mci of radioactive iodine starting July 6th.
It's been an annoying, hectic, stressful journey, but I'm glad I am seeing the little light at the end...
I know the full battle isn't over yet, but I have hope.
The Nuclear Medicine doctor was very nice and assuring about my very low chance of reoccurence, that judging by my files, I should be "cured" after this treatment.
"Cured."
Whatever that means...
It's just a hassle. Having to always make sure my meds are in check, always making sure to make appointments with doctors on time to make sure I don't run out of meds. Planning my days, vacations, holidays around these things. It's a nightmare come true. But I'm here. Alive and well.
I read lots of blogs/support groups/etc about surviving Thyroid Cancer and a lot of people go through hell from the getgo.
I was fortunate enough to feel absolutely no change mentally/emotionally throughout this life altering event and is continuously thankful for this.
I did meet with an Endocrinologist 2 Saturdays ago, and she wants to lower my Synthroid to 100mcg in August. I am currently on 112 mcg but apparently this is too high for someone my size/height/weight. I am crossing my fingers that this doesn't affect me in anyway... All these things that I now have to worry about. It really sucks, but I guess this isn't as bad as it could be.
I've been just busy trying to make it through work everyday, waiting for all this to be over.
I am taking a month break from work next month while doing RAI so I am very looking forward to that.
It'll be like a well deserved break. It would be nice if C and I could go on vacation but that won't happen as 2 weeks I'll try to avoid people due to RAI and I actually start pastry school right after that.
I do have much to look forward to in the next coming weeks.
Through this crappy cancer experience, it has taught me so much and I am much a different person due to that.
I appreciate my life, want more out of it and realize that I needed this push to change the course of direction I was headed.
I guess I was afraid to take chances, make life changing decisions, but now my mind is made.
Once RAI is over, I will be posting a lot more about my new journey in the world of food, any changes in my life due to this cancer, and my future career changes.
I am very excited for my future endeavors and cannot wait to share it with the world!
Here is a photo of my scar taken on 6/19. It gets redder when I get hot but mostly it's just like this.
Not bad for 6 weeks, huh?
5.27.2010
Physically or Emotionally?
Battling cancer is tough. No one who hasn't had to go through it could understand. People around me has been gracious enough to me through this time but they don't really know.
I get emotional sometimes. I get irrational. Since the surgery, I only crashed once... when I heard the results of my pathology report stating that I will need to get RAI (radioactive iodine) done. I've been strong through this experience. But because I've been acting as if nothing has changed doesn't mean I haven't changed. It doesn't mean that this battle is easy for me. It doesn't mean that I am not broken inside. Torn. Angry. Sad. I feel all these things.
Before my surgery, C and I had a big blow out about my cancer diagnosis. Before my biopsy results, we were talking about all possibilities and I questioned about what if I had the worst kind of thyroid cancer? The kind that can kill you, even in your 20's? C got angry that I'm not sounding positive enough. To assure that I'll do all that I can to physically try to fight this disease. Since then, I have been really trying to only speak, think, sound positive. But that's not how I feel inside.
C's there for me, physically. He's been taking very good care of me since my surgery and I am thankful for that. But what I really need, what I truly need right now is someone to be "there" for me, emotionally. I don't need someone next to me. I don't need anyone to take care of me. What I need is someone who understands what I am going through. All my emotions. All the negative thoughts racing through my head. I'm sad. I'm really sad. I feel so alone.
I had dreams, goals to obtain. This cancer came in my way and put a dramatic hold on my life. I know it's something I could work around. I know this isn't the end of the world. I know I will come out stronger on the other side, blah blah blah shit.
I know all these things. But it's something that has happened to me. C, friends, family members, they all say the hardest part is over. What hardest part? The surgery? Surgery isn't the hardest part. The hardest part is getting over the emotional distress this has caused in my life. RAI. Worrying about recurrences for the rest of my life. Worrying that one day when I want to try to get pregnant, that this disease made me incapable. Worrying that my synthetic hormone dosage is off and I will feel the repercussions. Surgery was easy. The hardest part through this cancer just started and it's far from gone. They don't understand. And I don't want them to, because if they did, it would be because they had to deal with something this bad in their own lives. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I feel so alone.
5.10.2010
It's already tomorrow...
I have yet to receive any calls about what time I should be at the hospital by tomorrow.
But a nice surprise was that my surgeon actually *FINALLY* called me back today to speak about any concerns I may have. I don't think I asked all my questions... I wasn't expecting him to call so I forgot what some of my concerns were. But we did discuss why I should remove all my thyroid instead of just half.
1) Total thyroidectomy drastically reduces my chances of recurrences.
2) If the other lobe turns out to have cancer, I will need to do RAI (RadioActive Iodine) which I cannot do if I still have half of my thyroid.
3) If the other lobe does have cancer, I will have to do surgery AGAIN to remove that side.
4) Regardless of whether I take out half or whole, I will still need to be on hormone therapy.
5) If I choose not to do RAI, it will be easier to keep track of my status/progress using my blood test results.
At this point, all I am hoping for is that it has not spread anywhere. Please please please let it be contained to just my thyroid... *le sigh.
My doctor assumes I'll need to come in tomorrow by 9 am. but I'll need to wait for a confirmation call later today.... ugh. I hate all this waiting. Waiting is the one thing I am NO good at. I need to learn some patience.
I'm a little nervous. A little uneasy. But I'll get through this. I have a loving dedicated husband by my side, with the support of my family and friends. I am a truly lucky gal.
Through all this, I can't help but count all the good things that has come out of this negative experience and I am very, very lucky.
But a nice surprise was that my surgeon actually *FINALLY* called me back today to speak about any concerns I may have. I don't think I asked all my questions... I wasn't expecting him to call so I forgot what some of my concerns were. But we did discuss why I should remove all my thyroid instead of just half.
1) Total thyroidectomy drastically reduces my chances of recurrences.
2) If the other lobe turns out to have cancer, I will need to do RAI (RadioActive Iodine) which I cannot do if I still have half of my thyroid.
3) If the other lobe does have cancer, I will have to do surgery AGAIN to remove that side.
4) Regardless of whether I take out half or whole, I will still need to be on hormone therapy.
5) If I choose not to do RAI, it will be easier to keep track of my status/progress using my blood test results.
At this point, all I am hoping for is that it has not spread anywhere. Please please please let it be contained to just my thyroid... *le sigh.
My doctor assumes I'll need to come in tomorrow by 9 am. but I'll need to wait for a confirmation call later today.... ugh. I hate all this waiting. Waiting is the one thing I am NO good at. I need to learn some patience.
I'm a little nervous. A little uneasy. But I'll get through this. I have a loving dedicated husband by my side, with the support of my family and friends. I am a truly lucky gal.
Through all this, I can't help but count all the good things that has come out of this negative experience and I am very, very lucky.
5.07.2010
Crunch Time
I have officially one more business day before I go under the knife.
I haven't yet packed my overnight bag for the hospital... I don't know what to take.
The nurse said to prepare myself, but what do I need?
A toothbrush. Check.
Me. Check.
That's my list... hm... I will need to pack a few games and stuff for C while he waits for me. Poor C. He's gonna be so uncomfortable. I'll be going in and out of sleep (or so I hear from other people's experiences) so I won't need anything to keep me company... I don't think..
So in preparation for coming back home after surgery, I'm gonna head out this weekend and pick up a few items...
I hear I will need lots of pillows to keep my head propped up while I sleep...
I will need to stock up on some soft foods (pudding, yogurt, soup, etc) as I will have a hard time swallowing regular foods for a few days.
I'm mostly worried about how I'll keep entertained during my recovery time. I know I will be able to move around and stuff after 2~3 days but to be home alone all day for 2 weeks... kind of dreading that! But I guess I'll catch up on lots of rest!
So, so far so good. I feel mentally (somewhat) prepared. I have lots of support from C and my family members. I am thinking positive (or trying really really hard). In 4 days time, I will be thyroidless... Hopefully it won't be too much of a change in my life... I know a lot of the recovery is how I handle things mentally. I feel like I've been preparing for this for quite some time without realizing it.
4 days.
I can't wait for it to be over before it's even begun.
I haven't yet packed my overnight bag for the hospital... I don't know what to take.
The nurse said to prepare myself, but what do I need?
A toothbrush. Check.
Me. Check.
That's my list... hm... I will need to pack a few games and stuff for C while he waits for me. Poor C. He's gonna be so uncomfortable. I'll be going in and out of sleep (or so I hear from other people's experiences) so I won't need anything to keep me company... I don't think..
So in preparation for coming back home after surgery, I'm gonna head out this weekend and pick up a few items...
I hear I will need lots of pillows to keep my head propped up while I sleep...
I will need to stock up on some soft foods (pudding, yogurt, soup, etc) as I will have a hard time swallowing regular foods for a few days.
I'm mostly worried about how I'll keep entertained during my recovery time. I know I will be able to move around and stuff after 2~3 days but to be home alone all day for 2 weeks... kind of dreading that! But I guess I'll catch up on lots of rest!
So, so far so good. I feel mentally (somewhat) prepared. I have lots of support from C and my family members. I am thinking positive (or trying really really hard). In 4 days time, I will be thyroidless... Hopefully it won't be too much of a change in my life... I know a lot of the recovery is how I handle things mentally. I feel like I've been preparing for this for quite some time without realizing it.
4 days.
I can't wait for it to be over before it's even begun.
5.06.2010
...
I called my doctor's office and left another message for either the doctor or the nurse to call me back this morning. Luckily, within the hour, I got a call back. From the nurse. Obviously.
I addressed to her all my concerns, about how my biopsy result was "suspicious" for papillary and if it isn't definite, is a total thyroidectomy (getting the whole thing out) really necessary? She said she spoke to my doctor and he said it was papillary cancer, why the pathologist wrote "suspicious" is anyone's guess.
I asked about the meds, will I be on them right away? When will I see the doctor after surgery? etc.
After all these questions answered, I feel so much better. I now feel like I can try to remain calm until my surgery... which is only 5 days away. I feel a little jittery, but it's normal I guess...
Anyway, nothing more to update for today.
I need this week to be done and over with...
*Sigh.
I addressed to her all my concerns, about how my biopsy result was "suspicious" for papillary and if it isn't definite, is a total thyroidectomy (getting the whole thing out) really necessary? She said she spoke to my doctor and he said it was papillary cancer, why the pathologist wrote "suspicious" is anyone's guess.
I asked about the meds, will I be on them right away? When will I see the doctor after surgery? etc.
After all these questions answered, I feel so much better. I now feel like I can try to remain calm until my surgery... which is only 5 days away. I feel a little jittery, but it's normal I guess...
Anyway, nothing more to update for today.
I need this week to be done and over with...
*Sigh.
5.05.2010
Doubts
As humans, we doubt others. When it comes down to it, we only trust ourselves. Sure, you have your family and friends you put your faith in, but when it comes to your life, would you trust them with it?
So you can imagine how hard it is to trust doctors, these people you've never met in your life.
I used to think doctors always had your best interest. Always, no doubt about it.
That changed when I had to go to the hospital for my dad 2 years ago. My dad was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis and had to be put on a lot of meds. Going to a specialist to follow up after his release at the hospital, I remember the doctor asking why my dad is on HIV medication. HIV? For his liver? It turns out that the doctor at the hospital put him on wrong meds. Thank goodness my dad only took 1 or 2 pills of this HIV medicine. If he took them for a while, who knows what could have happened, what would his side effects be like?
So you understand my reluctance when it comes to my diagnosis. I did my research, found the best surgeon in the field and went with him. I have also read great reviews about him and was confident in my decision.
However, with only a few days away from my surgery, I guess I had a panic attack. After the biopsy, my result was given to me by his nurse. Any and all messages I leave the receptionist remains unreturned. I guess I was thinking 'oh my goodness, maybe I made a mistake.'
After my biopsy, the pathologist who took a look at my cell sample said I will need remove my thyroid. She explained further that for papillary cancer, usual protocol was to remove the whole thyroid. When the nurse called to tell me the biopsy results, she said she didn't know why the report said "suspicious for papillary cancer", that it's most definitely papillary cancer and that I will need to take the whole thyroid out as well. I remember asking her if they will do a frozen section on me (testing the other lobe to see if there was cancer before having my whole thyroid removed during the surgery) and she said they do that. I guess I started wondering why the doctor hasn't called me. I'm not sure what the protocols here are, but I just thought that is what the doctor is supposed to do. I guess it's like trying to call a lawyer and all you can speak to is his paralegal? I don't know.
I was fretful all day, I left 3 messages with the receptionist again today and still no call back. I still also need to get the results from my pre-op testing to make sure everything is ok for my surgery next Tuesday. Then I had an email. From a young woman in my thyroid cancer support group. She explained how she was in the same situation as I was, couldn't get in touch with her surgeon, etc. And then she said, "We need to have faith in our doctors unless they give reason to do so otherwise." For some reason, this calmed me. She's right. I chose this doctor. I did enough research to know that he's one of the best around. To doubt right now is doubting myself. I have 6 days left until surgery. I am doing what is best for me right now. If I have scheduled a surgery for a total thyroidectomy (removing the whole thyroid) and this wasn't the right course of action on my end, I'm sure the doctor will tell me otherwise... I need to have faith. Now if only someone was nice enough to call me back with my pre-op test results...
C'est la vie...
So you can imagine how hard it is to trust doctors, these people you've never met in your life.
I used to think doctors always had your best interest. Always, no doubt about it.
That changed when I had to go to the hospital for my dad 2 years ago. My dad was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis and had to be put on a lot of meds. Going to a specialist to follow up after his release at the hospital, I remember the doctor asking why my dad is on HIV medication. HIV? For his liver? It turns out that the doctor at the hospital put him on wrong meds. Thank goodness my dad only took 1 or 2 pills of this HIV medicine. If he took them for a while, who knows what could have happened, what would his side effects be like?
So you understand my reluctance when it comes to my diagnosis. I did my research, found the best surgeon in the field and went with him. I have also read great reviews about him and was confident in my decision.
However, with only a few days away from my surgery, I guess I had a panic attack. After the biopsy, my result was given to me by his nurse. Any and all messages I leave the receptionist remains unreturned. I guess I was thinking 'oh my goodness, maybe I made a mistake.'
After my biopsy, the pathologist who took a look at my cell sample said I will need remove my thyroid. She explained further that for papillary cancer, usual protocol was to remove the whole thyroid. When the nurse called to tell me the biopsy results, she said she didn't know why the report said "suspicious for papillary cancer", that it's most definitely papillary cancer and that I will need to take the whole thyroid out as well. I remember asking her if they will do a frozen section on me (testing the other lobe to see if there was cancer before having my whole thyroid removed during the surgery) and she said they do that. I guess I started wondering why the doctor hasn't called me. I'm not sure what the protocols here are, but I just thought that is what the doctor is supposed to do. I guess it's like trying to call a lawyer and all you can speak to is his paralegal? I don't know.
I was fretful all day, I left 3 messages with the receptionist again today and still no call back. I still also need to get the results from my pre-op testing to make sure everything is ok for my surgery next Tuesday. Then I had an email. From a young woman in my thyroid cancer support group. She explained how she was in the same situation as I was, couldn't get in touch with her surgeon, etc. And then she said, "We need to have faith in our doctors unless they give reason to do so otherwise." For some reason, this calmed me. She's right. I chose this doctor. I did enough research to know that he's one of the best around. To doubt right now is doubting myself. I have 6 days left until surgery. I am doing what is best for me right now. If I have scheduled a surgery for a total thyroidectomy (removing the whole thyroid) and this wasn't the right course of action on my end, I'm sure the doctor will tell me otherwise... I need to have faith. Now if only someone was nice enough to call me back with my pre-op test results...
C'est la vie...
5.04.2010
What Not to Say..
When I first found out I had thyroid cancer, I told my family and friends.
I wasn't in too much shock about my results, so I wasn't crying hysterically while telling people.
But even though I tried to sound strong while telling people, I assumed that people will react to my news with some sort of sympathy. Not too much, but at least a little.
It's especially worse since I'm not hurting anywhere, I don't feel sick...
Anyway, through this experience I realize what to say or not to say to someone who has just been diagnosed with bad news...
1. One of my sisters I've told, while being trying to be consoling, made me feel like I'm dying. While talking, she kept emphasizing the fact that I'm "sick". People have to be nice to me "because I'm sick". People have to buy me lunch/dinner when we hang out "because I'm sick". I have to get to do everything I want to do "because I'm sick". I don't feel sick. I don't hurt anywhere. Just because I have a tumor that needs to be removed doesn't mean I am dying tomorrow! While it's nice for people to be understanding of my during this time, I don't need them to treat me like an invalid.
2. Another sister I've told, now this was, um... quite a speechless moment. She called me after I got home from the biopsy and asked how it went. After I told her, her first reaction was "Oh, Papillary! Oh it's nothing then! Papillary thyroid cancer isn't even a cancer! So it's nothing we have to worry about." I was speechless, and for the first time since my diagnosis that morning, I had tears swelling. I felt so much anger and I just wanted to yell at her. The only response I came up with was "Says the person who doesn't have cancer. " I guess she kind of took the cue and tried a meager cover up "Oh, you know what I mean..." Um, hello? No, I don't know what you mean. I understand that every website you search for thyroid cancer says it's "the best cancer to have" but that doesn't mean it's not serious. It's still cancer, it's still scary. It doesn't give you a right to dismiss my illness, or make my cancer any less real. Sometimes, silence is golden. If you don't have anything useful to say to a person who is hurting inside, please, just shut up.
3. My boss was very understanding about my situation and reassured me to take all the time I need to recover. Very nice, huh? But everyday afterwards, he would come over to my desk and say "Don't worry, thyroid cancer isn't even cancer. I hear in Japan, people who have thyroid cancer don't even remove their tumors!". Well, you know what Mr. Boss? I don't give a shit what people do in Japan. I don't live in Japan, so don't tell me this bullshit thinking I'm gonna feel better because a whole country dismisses the seriousness of thyroid cancer.
Also, I believe he's been telling his friends about my cancer and they've been sending emails at work about how to live a healthy life. I'M HEALTHY. Just because I have this disease doesn't mean I'm unhealthy you ignorant fools! There was this whole email about the basic facts about cancer, etc. As if I didn't research all this on my own already! I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but his friends sending me general facts about cancer? Um, if they were smart enough to research specifically for thyroid cancers, they would realize that there are many differences between thyroid cancer to all other cancers. Treatments are different! I wish these people would understand that I'm otherwise healthy and while the concerns are appreciated, I don't want to be overwhelmed.
4. My coworker was surprisingly very supportive. I appreciated all the support and comfort she has provided, but after the first week, she also became very pushy. Now a days, she would tell me to read all the websites she found concerning "healthier living" and remind me to read up. It's all very nice, but the point of all this is, I DON'T NEED REMINDERS OF MY CONDITION ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. I already know what I have. I have come to terms. Stop telling me how to live, or what to eat/not eat, etc.
The point is, while being supportive is great, I don't need someone to remind me everyday. I don't need people to tell me how to live because I have this illness. Nothing changes in my life. Yes, I have to go through surgery. Yes, I have cancer. But why does that have to change who I am? Why does it have to change my life?
If you don't have anything supportive to say, please don't say anything at all.
I wasn't in too much shock about my results, so I wasn't crying hysterically while telling people.
But even though I tried to sound strong while telling people, I assumed that people will react to my news with some sort of sympathy. Not too much, but at least a little.
It's especially worse since I'm not hurting anywhere, I don't feel sick...
Anyway, through this experience I realize what to say or not to say to someone who has just been diagnosed with bad news...
1. One of my sisters I've told, while being trying to be consoling, made me feel like I'm dying. While talking, she kept emphasizing the fact that I'm "sick". People have to be nice to me "because I'm sick". People have to buy me lunch/dinner when we hang out "because I'm sick". I have to get to do everything I want to do "because I'm sick". I don't feel sick. I don't hurt anywhere. Just because I have a tumor that needs to be removed doesn't mean I am dying tomorrow! While it's nice for people to be understanding of my during this time, I don't need them to treat me like an invalid.
2. Another sister I've told, now this was, um... quite a speechless moment. She called me after I got home from the biopsy and asked how it went. After I told her, her first reaction was "Oh, Papillary! Oh it's nothing then! Papillary thyroid cancer isn't even a cancer! So it's nothing we have to worry about." I was speechless, and for the first time since my diagnosis that morning, I had tears swelling. I felt so much anger and I just wanted to yell at her. The only response I came up with was "Says the person who doesn't have cancer. " I guess she kind of took the cue and tried a meager cover up "Oh, you know what I mean..." Um, hello? No, I don't know what you mean. I understand that every website you search for thyroid cancer says it's "the best cancer to have" but that doesn't mean it's not serious. It's still cancer, it's still scary. It doesn't give you a right to dismiss my illness, or make my cancer any less real. Sometimes, silence is golden. If you don't have anything useful to say to a person who is hurting inside, please, just shut up.
3. My boss was very understanding about my situation and reassured me to take all the time I need to recover. Very nice, huh? But everyday afterwards, he would come over to my desk and say "Don't worry, thyroid cancer isn't even cancer. I hear in Japan, people who have thyroid cancer don't even remove their tumors!". Well, you know what Mr. Boss? I don't give a shit what people do in Japan. I don't live in Japan, so don't tell me this bullshit thinking I'm gonna feel better because a whole country dismisses the seriousness of thyroid cancer.
Also, I believe he's been telling his friends about my cancer and they've been sending emails at work about how to live a healthy life. I'M HEALTHY. Just because I have this disease doesn't mean I'm unhealthy you ignorant fools! There was this whole email about the basic facts about cancer, etc. As if I didn't research all this on my own already! I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but his friends sending me general facts about cancer? Um, if they were smart enough to research specifically for thyroid cancers, they would realize that there are many differences between thyroid cancer to all other cancers. Treatments are different! I wish these people would understand that I'm otherwise healthy and while the concerns are appreciated, I don't want to be overwhelmed.
4. My coworker was surprisingly very supportive. I appreciated all the support and comfort she has provided, but after the first week, she also became very pushy. Now a days, she would tell me to read all the websites she found concerning "healthier living" and remind me to read up. It's all very nice, but the point of all this is, I DON'T NEED REMINDERS OF MY CONDITION ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. I already know what I have. I have come to terms. Stop telling me how to live, or what to eat/not eat, etc.
The point is, while being supportive is great, I don't need someone to remind me everyday. I don't need people to tell me how to live because I have this illness. Nothing changes in my life. Yes, I have to go through surgery. Yes, I have cancer. But why does that have to change who I am? Why does it have to change my life?
If you don't have anything supportive to say, please don't say anything at all.
5.03.2010
Tests, Tests and More Tests
I had my pre-surgery testing this morning.I walked in, about 10 minutes before 10, as I was told that I had a 10am appointment.
I walked towards the info desk and told them I had a 10am appt.
The guy behind the counter was like, "um, this is first come first serve." Ok... *sigh. waiting is gonna be BORING! Good thing I picked up a free newspaper.
Anyway, told the front desk my name, my doctor's name, and the date of my surgery.
I waited about 40 minutes when FINALLY I was called. Luckily there weren't too many people there today (I guess the pouring rain is good for something!) and I walked into the office.
I wasn't sure what to expect as I've never been to the hospital for myself before...
I am told to sit and this young woman asks the common questions - name, address, insurance, etc.
She did all the paperwork I will need done on the day of surgery as well so I don't have to do this again.
I sign a bunch of papers and I am moved to another waiting area... G.R.E.A.T.
This room was very quick, a nurse came and I was given a small container to pee in... Urinalysis.
The same nurse took me now to a third room, and drew 3 vials of blood. One for red/white blood cells, one for pregnancy test, one for all other miscellaneous testing. That was it! The testing itself was probably no more than 10 minutes. The total hospital waiting time was about 1 hour and 15 minutes.
*
I asked the woman during the "interview" whether C can stay the night with me when at the hospital.
The woman was very nice and explained that if I had a double room, as long as the other patient didn't mind, it was ok. I really hope I don't have an ass as a hospital roommate. Since getting married, C and I have never been apart except for 1 night when my dad was in the hospital. Other than that night, we've never been apart. So especially during this time, I really wouldn't want to be alone... I hope it works out.
On brighter news, the nurse that took my blood today was extremely nice. If she was an example of what kind of care I'll be getting after surgery, I am in good hands.
Now the count down officially begins.
I need to start getting ready what to pack as an overnight bag, prep my comfort for after surgery when I get home, etc... Pillows, The New York Times Supersized Book of Sunday Crosswords, maybe a few Sudoku puzzles... I'm gonna be ready!
8 days to go...
5.02.2010
An Episode
After I received my diagnosis, unlike other people, I have yet to have a "Why Me?" moment. I haven't felt anger, I haven't felt sorry for myself, I haven't felt anything but something similar to just being sad.
Friday night, I broke down and had a "Why NOW?" moment.
If you recall, I've been baking a cake for C's birthday and I finished it after I came home from work Friday evening.
We decided to go out to dinner and afterwards eat cake and relax at home.
Coming back from dinner, we got lost. We lost our tempers, got upset, angry, annoyed, the works. We're usually ok in these situations, but this time it wasn't pretty.
Finally having found our way back home, we decided to stop and do some grocery shopping.
It just wasn't a good night. Everything we did, everything we said, we kept clashing.
By the time we were home, C said to me, "This is why I didn't want to do anything for my birthday."
I crashed. I've been working so hard to make it a special day for him. Planning out what to do. I was determined to not let this stupid disease spoil an otherwise happy day. But as soon as he said those words, I hardened.
I've been doing all that I could, in my power, to continue and do things as it used to be, despite how hard it was for me inside.
I stopped having this urge to cook, I stopped wanting to do a lot of things. But because it was his birthday, because it was C...
I had a moment of "WHY NOW?" Really, why now? I had all that time nothing eventful was happening, it could've happened then and it would have been ok and over. C's birthday, our 8 year dating anniversary coming up, my school starting soon, it was just too much. I crashed.
Timing was never right in my life. I don't think I've ever had something happen to me that I recall happened JUST in the right time. So what's the difference now?
*
I would like you to know why I am writing this post.
Since this disease happened to me, I have tried, and remained, strong.
I seem and act as if nothing is wrong, and I learned to believe it.
I joined a support group who've been nothing short of just great people who understood me and I try to make it a point that I am stronger than this disease, that this is nothing. It's just a small setback in my life that'll go away.
But I would like to mention that it is normal to cry. It is normal to complain. It is normal to think all the things that pop into your head.
What I would like to emphasis though, is that while all this is normal, don't let it take over your life.
It is scary, this disease, or any disease. But crying day and night, dwelling on it won't make it go away.
Positive thinking. Happy thoughts. Remember that this isn't the end, it's just the beginning. We have to keep a straight, clear head and concentrate, dedicate all our energy into what we have to do to get better. Let's not focus on the bad.
Cry. Bitch, Vent. And then let it go. Let's move on.
We have each other to comfort each other. Always remember that you are not alone.
We are fighters. We are WARRIORS!
4.30.2010
Cancer? What cancer?
Life has been back to normal so quickly, it's a little unnerving.
At times it feels like it was all a bad dream. A dream that felt a little too real.
We're back to our old routine, C and I, except now I am less than eager to come home and start dinner. We've been eating out a lot. It's terrible. I should be watching what I eat, moreso than ever, and here I am stuffing my face with Chinese take-out, pizza and the likes.
I mustered up enough energy to make fajitas last night. I marinaded the steak the night before so it wasn't too much work. Afterwards, I needed to finish C's birthday cake as I will need it ready by tonight.
My wonderful friends got me a cookbook for Christmas and I haven't gotten but 3 recipes out of this as of yet. I have to say, Nick Magieri's "The Modern Baker: Time-Saving Techniques for Breads, Tarts, Pies, Cakes and Cookies"
recipes do not let you down! Awesome step by step instructions, all I have is praise for this book!
*
It's strange. People who know about my cancer react as if I'm sickly. How are you? How are you feeling? How are you doing? I'm bombarded with these questions. It's strange because if you look at me, I'm healthy. Who'd believe me if I ran out into the streets crying "I HAVE CANCER!!"? Nobody. Because when I look in the mirror, I don't believe me. It's all very strange.
Listening to loud, upbeat music has helped distract my thoughts. Music never did anything for me before, but lately, it's been a very good distraction. How You Like Me Now
has been a very good song for that for me. I'm sure every survivor has his/her own song, and I think this is the song for me right now.
*
I met my sister waiting for the bus this morning. How are you feeling today? was the first question she asked me. Coming from her, oh the irony. That's another post for another time perhaps. Let's just say she wasn't exactly the most um... understanding? consoling? when I told her my diagnosis. How was I feeling today? You mean, other than the fact that I have surgery in less than 2 weeks? Just DANDY. I couldn't be better! Ha! I wanted to say meaner things. But I didn't. I held my tongue. Ok was the only answer I could give her. I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I keep telling myself that and I've come to believe it. I feel fine. Other than this tumor on my neck, I don't feel this "cancer". It's a creepy feeling, knowing what you have inside you could potential kill you.
A few moments of the day, I *forget* I have cancer. But once the feeling of despair strikes, it hits hard. The "what if's" start rushing in and taking over your thoughts. I panick for a moment. I think about all the people that care, how they'll cope. I let these thoughts take control, but only for a moment. I take a deep breath, exhale all this negativity, and inhale clean, positive thoughts. I am done for the day.
This has been a constant struggle that just seems to get easier with each passing day. I am getting used to this. But soon, I need to get over this.
Only time will tell.
At times it feels like it was all a bad dream. A dream that felt a little too real.
We're back to our old routine, C and I, except now I am less than eager to come home and start dinner. We've been eating out a lot. It's terrible. I should be watching what I eat, moreso than ever, and here I am stuffing my face with Chinese take-out, pizza and the likes.
I mustered up enough energy to make fajitas last night. I marinaded the steak the night before so it wasn't too much work. Afterwards, I needed to finish C's birthday cake as I will need it ready by tonight.
My wonderful friends got me a cookbook for Christmas and I haven't gotten but 3 recipes out of this as of yet. I have to say, Nick Magieri's "The Modern Baker: Time-Saving Techniques for Breads, Tarts, Pies, Cakes and Cookies"
recipes do not let you down! Awesome step by step instructions, all I have is praise for this book! *
It's strange. People who know about my cancer react as if I'm sickly. How are you? How are you feeling? How are you doing? I'm bombarded with these questions. It's strange because if you look at me, I'm healthy. Who'd believe me if I ran out into the streets crying "I HAVE CANCER!!"? Nobody. Because when I look in the mirror, I don't believe me. It's all very strange.
Listening to loud, upbeat music has helped distract my thoughts. Music never did anything for me before, but lately, it's been a very good distraction. How You Like Me Now
has been a very good song for that for me. I'm sure every survivor has his/her own song, and I think this is the song for me right now. *
I met my sister waiting for the bus this morning. How are you feeling today? was the first question she asked me. Coming from her, oh the irony. That's another post for another time perhaps. Let's just say she wasn't exactly the most um... understanding? consoling? when I told her my diagnosis. How was I feeling today? You mean, other than the fact that I have surgery in less than 2 weeks? Just DANDY. I couldn't be better! Ha! I wanted to say meaner things. But I didn't. I held my tongue. Ok was the only answer I could give her. I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I keep telling myself that and I've come to believe it. I feel fine. Other than this tumor on my neck, I don't feel this "cancer". It's a creepy feeling, knowing what you have inside you could potential kill you.
A few moments of the day, I *forget* I have cancer. But once the feeling of despair strikes, it hits hard. The "what if's" start rushing in and taking over your thoughts. I panick for a moment. I think about all the people that care, how they'll cope. I let these thoughts take control, but only for a moment. I take a deep breath, exhale all this negativity, and inhale clean, positive thoughts. I am done for the day.
This has been a constant struggle that just seems to get easier with each passing day. I am getting used to this. But soon, I need to get over this.
Only time will tell.
4.28.2010
Retail Therapy
I shed most of my shopping habits about 4 years ago, when I started planning for my wedding. C and I were pretty young (24) and we weren't exactly making much. To plan the extravagant wedding C's dad was adamant about... though he wasn't exactly helping out our budget in anyway...
Anyway, so those days of frivolous spending days have long gone and died. This habit died the day I got married.
*
Before I had my biopsy, but after my blood test results, I have been wanting to shop. Spend money I don't have. I don't know where this was coming from, this urge. I knew it had something to do with my disease, even though nothing was confirmed.
I guess inside, I felt like I should buy all the things I wanted before something "happened" to me. There's an old saying in korean that means something along the lines of "You change when you know you're about to die". Though I read all I possibly could about thyroid cancer, even though I knew that the success rate was high, I still had the worst dread in me.
So I went out, spent a ridiculous amount of money on a mini shopping spree. I felt no remorse for my wallet or bank account like I normally would, but it didn't make me "happy". Yes, it's nice to have nice things. I was happy about my purchases, but it didn't make me "happy".
I'm not sure what people mean when they say retail therapy. I thought it was supposed to make you feel better, not the same.
I still haven't kicked this habit. I still go out trying to spend more money whenever I get a chance. Hopefully after my surgery, things calm down and I become my old saving self.
As of right now though, I am worried. I still have 2 weeks before surgery which means 2 more weekends to do major damage to my credit card.
*sigh.
The things people do to try to make their lives "normal" again...
I wish I could hurry up and get this tumor out of me.
Anyway, so those days of frivolous spending days have long gone and died. This habit died the day I got married.
*
Before I had my biopsy, but after my blood test results, I have been wanting to shop. Spend money I don't have. I don't know where this was coming from, this urge. I knew it had something to do with my disease, even though nothing was confirmed.
I guess inside, I felt like I should buy all the things I wanted before something "happened" to me. There's an old saying in korean that means something along the lines of "You change when you know you're about to die". Though I read all I possibly could about thyroid cancer, even though I knew that the success rate was high, I still had the worst dread in me.
So I went out, spent a ridiculous amount of money on a mini shopping spree. I felt no remorse for my wallet or bank account like I normally would, but it didn't make me "happy". Yes, it's nice to have nice things. I was happy about my purchases, but it didn't make me "happy".
I'm not sure what people mean when they say retail therapy. I thought it was supposed to make you feel better, not the same.
I still haven't kicked this habit. I still go out trying to spend more money whenever I get a chance. Hopefully after my surgery, things calm down and I become my old saving self.
As of right now though, I am worried. I still have 2 weeks before surgery which means 2 more weekends to do major damage to my credit card.
*sigh.
The things people do to try to make their lives "normal" again...
I wish I could hurry up and get this tumor out of me.
4.26.2010
Biopsy Day
So I met my sister at around 8 as she was nice enough to go to the hospital with me. We hung around until 9 or so and headed to the subway.
We got to the hospital really early, maybe 9:40 am? It was a nice day so it helped my mood. The husband left me messages, as well as my dear friends. Having a great support group at this time really truly helps.
We decided to hang around outside the hospital until it was time to go in just to chat and enjoy the sun before I get my doomsday results...
*
11:30 came, I filled out the paperwork, paid my copay, and then was called to meet with the doctor. I first met with his assistant surgeon who asked me a few questions (did I quit smoking? Yes. How did you find out about this nodule? I felt it. Let me feel the nodule. Ok. etc) and he said he'll move me to the biopsy room and more waiting. And more waiting. I think I waited about 45 minutes to finally have the doctor walk in, introduce himself and that I'll have to wait for the pathologist to come in so that after the biopsy she'll check if they have enough cell samples for the results. More waiting. After another waiting session of about 30 minutes (thank goodness my sister came, the waiting wasn't so bad... if I were there alone, it would have been sheer madness!) a very young pathologist came in, said hello and started setting up her work station. The pathologist was extremely friendly with us and was nice enough to tell me that she could give me a preliminary reading of the cells as she has to check under the microscope to see if they had an adequate sample. Shortly after the doctor comes in, tells me what he will be doing, starts his ultrasound machine and gets going.
Now for those of you researching about the pain level of biopsies, rest assured. It.Did.Not.Hurt.
Really. I didn't even get a numbing shot. I mean, maybe it depends on the size, location, etc of the nodule. Lucky for me, my nodule was very palpable (feelable) in front of my neck. Unlucky for me, my nodule was calcified (hard) and completely cellular (no fluid) which I read would be cause of much pain during biopsy. It wasn't the best sensation, but as for the pain factor, it was completely doable. I did have some soreness in the neck for the rest of the evening and most of the next morning, but nothing too severe to go to work, do everyday chores, etc.
My doctor took 2 samples and the second one had enough samples to make a diagnosis. Despite what the pathologist said (that she'll give me a heads up), she whispered something to the doctor and left the room. Uh oh...
The doctor and I briefly discussed what my options would be, should it be something I need to take out and just chatted for a very brief moment and left the room. I should receive a report by Friday (4/23), latest by Monday (4/26). Sure, no problem!
My sister and I left the office and seated ourselves in the hallway. I needed to update my husband and my sisters of how it went, etc. In mid conversation with my sister on the phone, the pathologist passes us by with a quick "It's gonna have to come out." I quickly nod my head and I immediately know, I need a TT (total thyroidectomy) which means I have cancer. Ok.
After all the calls and waiting for the elevator, the pathologist shows up again, needing to go downstairs as well. She was gracious enough to hint me that "Papillary" cancer is the most common form, "Papillary"cancer is very treatable, "Papillary" "Papillary" "Papillary".
I got her hint and accepted the fact that I have Papillary cancer. Now I just need a piece of paper with this in writing.
*
I know I am supposed to wait for the results to get the ball rolling, scheduling doctors appointments, surgery, etc. I am not normal people. I need action quick! Thursday morning, 4/22 I got to work early, called the doctors office and scheduled my surgery anyway. Pathologist said it'll have to come out, right?
*
I finally got a call from the doctors nurse telling me my results. "Suspicious of Papillary Carcinoma". Suspicious. Suspicious?
Nurse said in her experiences, this means it is cancer, why the pathologist wrote "Suspicious" is unknown.
So that's it. I have cancer. I will have surgery and I will have HAD cancer. I don't plan on this consuming me. I don't plan on revolving my life around it. It will be out of my life and I plan on going and doing all the things I planned to do without any interruption.
I read a lot of personal stories during my research and I realize that mental thinking is very very important. Most people complain and whine a lot about their conditions and still couldn't make peace with their new lives post surgery over 10+ years ago. I have been doing all this in under 1 month and I have made peace. Sure I cry sometimes. I'm scared. I'm human. I'm reminded how human I am, and that I can die in an instant. But I don't dwell.
Since this chaotic month has happened, I have cried 3 times because of my cancer, but I don't plan on crying much more. It's not worth it. I have it. I need to get rid of it. I need to get used to my new life without a thyroid. You have to keep in mind your blessings.
Not once have I thought WHY ME? Not once was I angry about my situation. You have to accept it. Having all this negative thoughts would bring you down and stay down. From here, all you need to concentrate on is what to do next? What to do next? Have a plan of action.
Anyway, I plan on using this blog as an outlet as already I have had enough material I would like to vent/rant/discuss on this website that I have encountered due to this disease.
We got to the hospital really early, maybe 9:40 am? It was a nice day so it helped my mood. The husband left me messages, as well as my dear friends. Having a great support group at this time really truly helps.
We decided to hang around outside the hospital until it was time to go in just to chat and enjoy the sun before I get my doomsday results...
*
11:30 came, I filled out the paperwork, paid my copay, and then was called to meet with the doctor. I first met with his assistant surgeon who asked me a few questions (did I quit smoking? Yes. How did you find out about this nodule? I felt it. Let me feel the nodule. Ok. etc) and he said he'll move me to the biopsy room and more waiting. And more waiting. I think I waited about 45 minutes to finally have the doctor walk in, introduce himself and that I'll have to wait for the pathologist to come in so that after the biopsy she'll check if they have enough cell samples for the results. More waiting. After another waiting session of about 30 minutes (thank goodness my sister came, the waiting wasn't so bad... if I were there alone, it would have been sheer madness!) a very young pathologist came in, said hello and started setting up her work station. The pathologist was extremely friendly with us and was nice enough to tell me that she could give me a preliminary reading of the cells as she has to check under the microscope to see if they had an adequate sample. Shortly after the doctor comes in, tells me what he will be doing, starts his ultrasound machine and gets going.
Now for those of you researching about the pain level of biopsies, rest assured. It.Did.Not.Hurt.
Really. I didn't even get a numbing shot. I mean, maybe it depends on the size, location, etc of the nodule. Lucky for me, my nodule was very palpable (feelable) in front of my neck. Unlucky for me, my nodule was calcified (hard) and completely cellular (no fluid) which I read would be cause of much pain during biopsy. It wasn't the best sensation, but as for the pain factor, it was completely doable. I did have some soreness in the neck for the rest of the evening and most of the next morning, but nothing too severe to go to work, do everyday chores, etc.
My doctor took 2 samples and the second one had enough samples to make a diagnosis. Despite what the pathologist said (that she'll give me a heads up), she whispered something to the doctor and left the room. Uh oh...
The doctor and I briefly discussed what my options would be, should it be something I need to take out and just chatted for a very brief moment and left the room. I should receive a report by Friday (4/23), latest by Monday (4/26). Sure, no problem!
My sister and I left the office and seated ourselves in the hallway. I needed to update my husband and my sisters of how it went, etc. In mid conversation with my sister on the phone, the pathologist passes us by with a quick "It's gonna have to come out." I quickly nod my head and I immediately know, I need a TT (total thyroidectomy) which means I have cancer. Ok.
After all the calls and waiting for the elevator, the pathologist shows up again, needing to go downstairs as well. She was gracious enough to hint me that "Papillary" cancer is the most common form, "Papillary"cancer is very treatable, "Papillary" "Papillary" "Papillary".
I got her hint and accepted the fact that I have Papillary cancer. Now I just need a piece of paper with this in writing.
*
I know I am supposed to wait for the results to get the ball rolling, scheduling doctors appointments, surgery, etc. I am not normal people. I need action quick! Thursday morning, 4/22 I got to work early, called the doctors office and scheduled my surgery anyway. Pathologist said it'll have to come out, right?
*
I finally got a call from the doctors nurse telling me my results. "Suspicious of Papillary Carcinoma". Suspicious. Suspicious?
Nurse said in her experiences, this means it is cancer, why the pathologist wrote "Suspicious" is unknown.
So that's it. I have cancer. I will have surgery and I will have HAD cancer. I don't plan on this consuming me. I don't plan on revolving my life around it. It will be out of my life and I plan on going and doing all the things I planned to do without any interruption.
I read a lot of personal stories during my research and I realize that mental thinking is very very important. Most people complain and whine a lot about their conditions and still couldn't make peace with their new lives post surgery over 10+ years ago. I have been doing all this in under 1 month and I have made peace. Sure I cry sometimes. I'm scared. I'm human. I'm reminded how human I am, and that I can die in an instant. But I don't dwell.
Since this chaotic month has happened, I have cried 3 times because of my cancer, but I don't plan on crying much more. It's not worth it. I have it. I need to get rid of it. I need to get used to my new life without a thyroid. You have to keep in mind your blessings.
Not once have I thought WHY ME? Not once was I angry about my situation. You have to accept it. Having all this negative thoughts would bring you down and stay down. From here, all you need to concentrate on is what to do next? What to do next? Have a plan of action.
Anyway, I plan on using this blog as an outlet as already I have had enough material I would like to vent/rant/discuss on this website that I have encountered due to this disease.
Life Throws You Lemons...
I've decided to change this blog into a different blog all together, not that I've had any readers prior to this, but since then, I've gone through major changes.
I've officially been diagnosed with Papillary Thyroid Cancer today. Just 1 hour ago.
So I would like to dedicate this blog to my experience with this disease and all issues I feel/deal with due to this and hopefully provide insight to those in search of information that I have been searching for, as I know I had many questions and concerns...
So lets start at the beginning, shall we?
*
It was a random Tuesday, 3/16 to be exact. I was at work, taking a break and went to get some water. At the cooler, I looked in the mirror and was rubbing my neck when I came across a bump right smack in the center front. I've had several swollen lymph nodes in my day, so I just brushed it off as another swelling. It was weird, harder than usual, smaller, but eh, it's all the same thing, right?
Few days pass, and it's still there. It's not getting any bigger, but it's not getting smaller either. I start researching but soon learn that I don't have lymph nodes in the front lower center of my neck. That's my thyroid. Uh oh. My sister had both Hypo and Hyperthyroidism and it ain't pretty. I research and research and learn that goiters and nodules are common. Yay! It means it isn't unusual and probably nothing to concern myself. Hooray!
But more days pass and still this goiter/nodule isn't going away. By now I am worried. I call my primary care physician and ask her for a prescription for an ultrasound. Because I smoke, she also said then to get a chest xray. Ok fine. I've been pushing it but ok. Whatever.
I made an appointment and finally got in 4/3 at 11:30. Ok.
My ultrasound tech was the crankiest, bitchiest woman ever and I feel for anyone who had her do the ultrasound.
After the ultrasound was done, I asked what was going on (even though I know she can't tell me, I'm worried) and she snaps back "Call your doctor."
Anyway, at this point, I knew something was up.
Come Monday, 4/5, I get a call from my PCP saying she got my ultrasound results and I need to come in and do a blood test right away. I freaked. I panicked. I ran out of my office crying frantically and went to get my blood test. At the doctors office, my PCP tried to calm me but I knew. I did enough research in the last few weeks enough to know that what I had was serious.
These websites say how thyroid cancer is rare, etc etc but it was all BS to me. I had it. It wasn't rare. People kept telling me not to jump into conclusions.
For those that know me, I don't ever think something is wrong with me. But this time, I just knew. My body told me something isn't right. And good thing I listened. My PCP gave me a few Endocrinologist numbers and told me to make an appointment.
I got my blood test results a few days later, 4/8 I think. My hormone levels were normal meaning it rules out Hypo and Hyperthyroidism. Shit! No traces of cancer cells but antibody count was high. My doctor said this could mean I could have cancer but it won't show because my antibody count was high. I knew I was in for it.
I've done plenty of research by now and called MANY doctors but none would do a biopsy right away. "We have to have a consult first to see if you really NEED a biopsy". Really? Really need one? Because I just want to get stabbed in the neck just for fun? Because the nodule on my thyroid is just going to disappear on its own?
I finally got in touch with a surgeon who specializes in thyroid cancers who was willing to do a biopsy the day I came in for an appointment. SOLD! So on 4/21 at 11:30, I finally get an answer.
I've officially been diagnosed with Papillary Thyroid Cancer today. Just 1 hour ago.
So I would like to dedicate this blog to my experience with this disease and all issues I feel/deal with due to this and hopefully provide insight to those in search of information that I have been searching for, as I know I had many questions and concerns...
So lets start at the beginning, shall we?
*
It was a random Tuesday, 3/16 to be exact. I was at work, taking a break and went to get some water. At the cooler, I looked in the mirror and was rubbing my neck when I came across a bump right smack in the center front. I've had several swollen lymph nodes in my day, so I just brushed it off as another swelling. It was weird, harder than usual, smaller, but eh, it's all the same thing, right?
Few days pass, and it's still there. It's not getting any bigger, but it's not getting smaller either. I start researching but soon learn that I don't have lymph nodes in the front lower center of my neck. That's my thyroid. Uh oh. My sister had both Hypo and Hyperthyroidism and it ain't pretty. I research and research and learn that goiters and nodules are common. Yay! It means it isn't unusual and probably nothing to concern myself. Hooray!
But more days pass and still this goiter/nodule isn't going away. By now I am worried. I call my primary care physician and ask her for a prescription for an ultrasound. Because I smoke, she also said then to get a chest xray. Ok fine. I've been pushing it but ok. Whatever.
I made an appointment and finally got in 4/3 at 11:30. Ok.
My ultrasound tech was the crankiest, bitchiest woman ever and I feel for anyone who had her do the ultrasound.
After the ultrasound was done, I asked what was going on (even though I know she can't tell me, I'm worried) and she snaps back "Call your doctor."
Anyway, at this point, I knew something was up.
Come Monday, 4/5, I get a call from my PCP saying she got my ultrasound results and I need to come in and do a blood test right away. I freaked. I panicked. I ran out of my office crying frantically and went to get my blood test. At the doctors office, my PCP tried to calm me but I knew. I did enough research in the last few weeks enough to know that what I had was serious.
These websites say how thyroid cancer is rare, etc etc but it was all BS to me. I had it. It wasn't rare. People kept telling me not to jump into conclusions.
For those that know me, I don't ever think something is wrong with me. But this time, I just knew. My body told me something isn't right. And good thing I listened. My PCP gave me a few Endocrinologist numbers and told me to make an appointment.
I got my blood test results a few days later, 4/8 I think. My hormone levels were normal meaning it rules out Hypo and Hyperthyroidism. Shit! No traces of cancer cells but antibody count was high. My doctor said this could mean I could have cancer but it won't show because my antibody count was high. I knew I was in for it.
I've done plenty of research by now and called MANY doctors but none would do a biopsy right away. "We have to have a consult first to see if you really NEED a biopsy". Really? Really need one? Because I just want to get stabbed in the neck just for fun? Because the nodule on my thyroid is just going to disappear on its own?
I finally got in touch with a surgeon who specializes in thyroid cancers who was willing to do a biopsy the day I came in for an appointment. SOLD! So on 4/21 at 11:30, I finally get an answer.
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